Why do i keep punishing myself...

You would think he would have figured out he stepped over a line, and that I was not only not interested but I was also more than slightly repulsed... *sighs and hits the block button*

And then we have this winner...

I bet there is a lot of ways you differ from Christian Grey... Least of which is probably your bank account balance. Your personality leaves something to be desired too. Not to mention, you are scrawny enough I could most likely break you.

At this point, Its no longer fun or funny to be on the sites. I'm constantly snarky, and finding someone to poke fun at in the blog, quite frankly is like SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL! However, considering I have an ENTIRE mailbox full of incredibly stupid messages and a phone full of screen shots, I will put up with this shit for you guys.

And... we're back (again)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

And... we're back.

After a less than stellar run on reality tv and a myriad of liars and cheats (the one this weekend was my favorite because he pulled the wool over my eyes the best), I am back doing what I do best. Being a sarcastic asshole while dealing with the world of online dating.

Our first winner is brought to us by Plenty of Freaks...
p**********0 10/1/2015 4:05:56 PM
Hello

That_Redhead_Chick10/1/2015 4:06:16 PM
Hi. How are you?

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:06:56 PM
I'm good and u

That_Redhead_Chick10/1/2015 4:07:05 PM
Good.

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:07:42 PM
My name is tony and u

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:08:18 PM
My phone 2**-***-***9 (wwoooooooooooo there sparky... we are 6 messages in, and your damn profile is basically blank. Not to mention, it appears you have a 2nd grade reading level and that shit just won't jive with me)

That_Redhead_Chick10/1/2015 4:08:34 PM
Melissa.

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:09:38 PM
Nice name u now gorgeous (... *sigh*... What fucking language is this in? What are you trying to express... I don't read IDIOT!)

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:09:58 PM
U soo cute (Suddenly... my face needs to get INCREDIBLY friendly with my desk... repeatedly. But thanks for confirming your reading level.)

That_Redhead_Chick10/1/2015 4:10:31 PM
Lol. How does know my name make me more gorgeous? 

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:10:44 PM
U can text my number if u want be more easy (Fuck... I think I just pulled a muscle trying to figure out what this said)

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:11:24 PM
I say u gorgeous cute (Seriously?!? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DID VERBS AND EVEN BASIC GRAMMAR EVER DO TO YOU THAT YOU REFUSE TO USE THEM!?!?!?!?!?)

That_Redhead_Chick10/1/2015 4:11:27 PM
I don't give out my number easily. Less headache

p**********0 10/1/2015 4:12:00 PM
Lol (Ok... thanks for playing. We will find a consolation prize and mail it to you at our earliest convenience.)

I'm really not so sure I will survive this round of online dating. While the pool of candidates has gotten LARGER, the collective IQ apparently has dropped drastically. But it should make for good reading...

I was your concubine, and then your madonna...

In the 3 years and 46 blogs I have posted, I have been exposed to all sorts idiotic pick up lines, propositions and creepy messages. Apparently now, the collective dating IQ has dropped to the point where punctuation is not needed, correct grammar is scoffed at and any sort of creativity is replaced with a "Hump or Death" mentality. Honestly... reading the messages I get is very rarely fun anymore. In fact, as a general rule, they make me want to slam my head repeatedly into the closest flat surface.

b**********z
5/15/2013 2:26:19 PM
Show me how to do those tricks (*swoon* that is SUCH a panty-dropper opening line)

Hooli-Gin
5/15/2013 4:01:04 PM
www.Crossfit.com and find an affiliate. They teach you all of it.

b**********z
5/15/2013 4:02:00 PM
Lol. Gee thanks (I'm sorry, what the HELL did you expect? Me to jump up with my trusty can of Bacon PaleoKrunch bars, wave them around like I am training a dog... come to think of it the dog may have a higher IQ... and teach you to doCrossfit gymnastics?!?)

And then I get to have exchanges like the one that follows. Please keep in mind, I do know the Crossfitter who sent me these messages. I met him on Plenty of Freaks a couple months ago and he is now part of my "real life". The messages make me giggle because they sprang out of me complaining about some of the STUPID messages I get. The most entertaining part to me was he managed to sarcastically depict some of the douche baggery I deal with which is so awesome...

T******t
6/17/2013 9:53:21 PM
Hey baby.. what are you up to? Wanna chat?

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 9:55:47 PM
Sure! ;-) text me.

T******t
6/17/2013 9:56:22 PM
Little forward aren't you? I don't even know your name

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 9:57:06 PM
That Crossfit chick works.

T******t
6/17/2013 10:23:52 PM
The one I can't carry?

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 10:26:34 PM
That's just cause you are scrawny or some shit.

T******t
6/17/2013 10:28:23 PM
Yeah something like that. Then again I can deadlift 150!!!!! What now mutha fuckaa!

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 10:33:20 PM
Like omg! That is so amazing. You are my hero! Girls shouldn't lift heavy or we can have our lady bits fall out.

T******t
6/17/2013 10:44:11 PM
I read that somewhete before. You better be really careful.

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 10:46:43 PM
I'm thinking of switching to being a vegan and just gently walking on a treadmill. Its so much better for me.

T******t
6/17/2013 10:48:41 PM
Negative ghost rider. I am not at the top of the food chain to eat lettuce

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 10:49:37 PM
I was wondering how long it would take one of us to break "jackass".

T******t
6/17/2013 10:50:08 PM
To break?

Hooli-Gin
6/17/2013 10:53:58 PM
Lol. Yes... To revert to normal Crossfitter.

I'm sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from... I thought that we were fine

I am a tough girl. I solve my own problems and I generally hold my own against the world. This apparently makes me a VERY difficult person to date because I don't NEED to date someone. I enjoy my independence and I could take or leave having someone in my life. You have to be a very SPECIAL (yes, this would be a volatile combination of short bus special, maniacally intelligence and a heretofore undiscovered level of CRAZY) sort of bastard and have a nice toasty spot in Hell with your name ALL OVER IT to put up with me. I am aware of this fact. In fact... I ENJOY the fact that I take a sick pleasure in mercurial relationships. If I scream at you and you scream back, we are good. If I scream at you and you CRY?!? Get out of my house and leave your Man-Card on the table on your way. There is a certain mental fortitude needed to date me (hell, You probably even need it to be my FRIEND!) and I pull no punches on my dating site profiles. I was told by a friend that I am a complete asshole on my OkStupid profile. She followed it up by saying it was "me". She was right. I am not going to hide behind a profile of baby bunnies, rainbows, and rose petals to get a guy when I am far more "pissed off cat - flying face pounce", metal and baseball bats.

Only not as cute...

Having said that... I have to admit, even after how ever many years of my writing this blog, every once in a while I manage to be shocked by some of the stuff which people write to me. Its not necessarily shocked an appalled and offended way, it is more of shocked in a "how the FUCK did you think I would find this attractive!?!" sort of way.

Message from M******8
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:18pm
Hi I'm Tom nice to meet you I'm 35 vegan and I teach Buddhism and I'm a full time cosmetology student at the moment. Anyways I want to say hello :-) btw best picture profile ever :) (Apparently, you are also 35 years old and cannot manage to FAKE proper punctuation. I do have to give you brownie points on the first non-creepy message I have received in a while. Unfortunately, I fear your veganism and my love of bacon are most likely incompatible.)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:22pm
Hi Tom, I'm Melissa. I'm 33, I eat paleo (meat and veggies, no soy or legumes), am an avid Crossfitter and I'm an administrative assistant at a construction company. And thank you very much. Its actually from the Crossfit Christmas party.


Message from M******8
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:24pm
I meant all the pictures very cool and it's ok if u eat meat (I'm so pleased I have your permission to eat meat. I was awaiting THAT royal edict with bated fucking breath) but I lov that u eat veg. ;) (May I note, I am extremely depressed that your grasp of punctuation appears to be limited to smiley faces)

Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:28pm
Thank you very much. Lol. Actually one of the things I couldn't abide about the last guy I was seeing was his hatred of vegetables. I just couldn't understand it.


Message from M******8
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:32pm
Heehee well u will fall 4 me then (That is doubtful, but keep thinking that if it helps you sleep at night.) lol. I'm starting the gym may 1 so I also look like a vegan meaning I need 2 lose some weight (I completely fail to quantify how the FUCK there are FAT VEGANS! I live on meat - ok, BACON! and vegetables and I am by no way fat. You live on ALL VEGETABLES and you are fat. Please.... someone... EXPLAIN THIS!?! I know vegans who look like they live on McDonald's and Burger King. You do paleo and you drop weight even if you aren't trying!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:47pm
Lol. I've never understood the heavy vegan thing, but since I've never tried it I am probably missing something. I guess its the quantity of food you'd consume? I lost 45 lbs when I switched to paleo, and I eat constantly.


Message from M******8 Apr 28, 2013 – 11:31pm
Oh wow very cool... At the beginning of May I start going to the gym I can't wait :-) (If you are fat NOW why wait?!? And yes... he is fat. It is not magically going to change until you make a goddamn EFFORT!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 29, 2013 – 9:50am
What type of gym are you going to?


Message from M******8
Apr 29, 2013 – 11:43am
Planet Fitness on rt 38 bc its the cheapest and it's open 24 hours and I can go before school (If it is 24-hours, you can go when every you want... Like starting NOW!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 29, 2013 – 3:11pm
Oh that's cool! There are only 4 classes a day at my box which can suck but one fits perfectly after work so I just go then. It ends up being 5-6 days a week there and my box in blackwood, and 3 days a week running in the morning.


Message from M******8
Apr 29, 2013 – 3:12pm
Wow u kick ass.....I use to live in Pine hill


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 29, 2013 – 3:17pm
I am running tough Mudder in June. My end goad is to do it in less than 3.5 (preferably less than 3) hours, including obstacles and convincing myself electrocution won't hurt.


Message from M******8
Apr 30, 2013 – 6:50am
Well I guess that means I will have to give you a massage after you complete the race (Thanks... I think I'm good. I am in good enough physical condition that I should be ok with 2 aleeve and a beer. Not to mention, I don't think I REALLY want you touching me. See... I have these issues with people who annoy me touching me) lol I plan on getting a massage license as well.

(Please bear in mind, I have to read these messages MULTIPLE TIMES because I am attempting to mentally punctuate them.)

Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 30, 2013 – 8:06am
It is quite possible...


Message from M******8
Apr 30, 2013 – 6:32pm
Lol well I can't do that because you fall in love with me (I am pretty sure, given my level of revulsion at the idea of you massaging me, you are completely safe from me falling in love with you) heehee ;)


Message from Mel_Cubed
May 1, 2013 – 7:30am
Lol. I haven't fallen in love with the little Chinese woman I go to every once in a while, so you may be in luck. Hahaha.


Message from M******8
May 1, 2013 – 7:34am
Well you have not met me yet and I will say I have the softest hands you have ever felt on a man and a woman not even kidding lol my last relationship was with a woman that was a lesbian and she told me making love to me was like being with a woman because I took my time and I was passionate and sensual and my hands felt like a woman. I did not know if I should take that as a compliment or if I should question my sexuality lol (1. I think you are going to beauty school because you are too STUPID to comprehend punctuation, which is a serious insult to all the incredibly intelligent beauticians I know. 2. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!! 3. If you aren't sure if you should question your sexuality, perhaps you should. 4. If I don't have a woman's hands I sure as HELL don't want the guy I am with to have them!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
May 1, 2013 – 8:54pm
Lol. That makes me feel bad. My hands are completely tore up from Crossfit. They will never be pretty and soft again.


Message from M******8
May 2, 2013 – 4:10pm
It's ok one of us has 2 be the chick lol  (Yes, you are correct. One of us has to be the chick and it will be the FEMALE in the relationship. I don't particularly want to come home from work early one day and find you parading around my house in one of my ballgowns! I've been in one of those types of relationships. They suck.)


Message from M******8
May 10, 2013 – 6:31am
Hello again I think u have forgotten about me :(  (No dear. I didn't forget. I was ignoring you so I didn't end up saying anything nasty about my lack of interest in dating a girl with a dick.)

*sigh* While this shit is blog gold... It really makes me want to scream and RUN.

Ever wonder about what he's doing, how it all turned to lies...

Dear Sir:

I received your text today. It was heartrendingly beautiful in its simplicity and could have thawed the iciest of hearts...

"Missing you everyday".

However, let's be fucking realistic, shall we?!? Perhaps you wouldn't be missing me if you didn't suck so much as a human being and even more so as a boyfriend. I gave you FIVE MONTHS of my life. Five very long months of my life where I started questioning everything about who I was in order to please you. Where I bent over backwards to chance habits that displeased you, giving up things I loved like running at night (now I am screwed on Tough Mudder because I am starting from the beginning again). And yet it was never enough...

Somewhere we crossed a line, a barrier where I went from being your girlfriend to just an object, a plaything. I was disrespected repeatedly, and I blindly listened to your apologies that you no-showing me and various other slights would never happen again. But they did... And I accepted them. But lets get some shit straight:

1. YOU WILL NEVER BE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN MY DAUGHTER. NEVER! - To have you bitch and whine that I cut all contact with you after Valentines Day (and even before that) because I have focused on a daughter whose existence you chose to ignore, is not my problem. The fact you have a son and didn't mention him to me until after I called you out on it is damn near unforgivable. You expecting me turn my back on a child I have helped raise (to varying degrees) since she was 14, because you think five months of standing me up and pie crust promises is more important than a child I love no matter what is completely deluded. If you are so concerned, perhaps you should have made an effort to be there for us, rather than complaining about how I am paying more attention to her than to you. Your sudden concern now is patently obvious as a ploy to try to get back into my good graces. Oh and considering my daughter hates your guts, this relationship is dead in the water.
2. "I CAME BACK TO YOU, AND YOU ARE GOING TO DISAPPEAR ON ME?!?" - Wait, pardon???? You coming BACK means you left in some way, shape or form. While it is pretty much unanimously agreed you are married or in a long term relationship which is why you were so damn dodgy about shit, I was never under the impression we "broke up" which would lead you to "come back" to me. Perhaps bleaching myself and scrubbing my skin off with steel wool is warranted, as apparently, you lied about your reasons for logging onto OkCupid 3-4 times a day. I guess you weren't just occasionally checking messages. You were going on there to meet and bang other girls. But I was expected to sit at home and wait for you to FINALLY decide you wanted to see me.
3. "I THINK ITS REALLY FUCKED UP YOU ARE OUT WITH MATT GETTING DRUNK BUT YOU HAVEN'T BOTHERED TEXTING ME" - 1. I was getting drunk in the comfort of my own home WITH MY DAUGHTER watching the Dr. Who Christmas Special when I got your shit show of a message. 2. At what point does it matter if I WAS out with Matt? I AM NO LONGER DATING YOU! I could have been being railed live on Jamaican Pay-per-View by an entire country of Tibetan yak herders and you couldn't say SHIT about it.
4. "YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M DONE. HAVE A NICE LIFE" - For someone who is done, you certainly seem to bother me quite frequently about shit.

Listen, I know you are salty about the fact that I walked away from you on my terms, but honestly, I could give a rat's ass less. You have had your chances. Perhaps if I ever suffer a traumatic brain injury I will get back together with you.  Now please, lets not make this any longer or any uglier than we need to. You said you were through, I'm sure my actions have said the same. So lets just bury the remainder of the rotting corpse that was our relationship and move on.

Love,
Me

I said I loved you, but I lied...

So, a couple months ago I was talking to this guy. He decided to disappear on me repeatedly (no, this is not the one I just dumped) and I got tired of the bullshit he pulled. He was also stupid. Not like a bit dumb.he was FUCKING retardedly stupid. I blocked him on the dating site where we met, but suddenly he messaged me today. This was how the conversation ended:

k****y
1/18/2013 12:55:46 PM
Random question... Sorry to ask, but was I your smallest or one of ur smallest?


Hooli-Gin
1/18/2013 1:26:11 PM
I'm sorry, what?!?

k****y
1/18/2013 1:33:42 PM
Had a few girls tell me I have a small dick n was there smallest, I was wondering if you thought the same. Stupid I know but just courious.

I'm sorry... I am not answering that question! Fuck that racket. I really don't want to deal with that level of shit.

Well, I guess you should get points for persistance!

Oh wait... No you don't.

When I started this blog, the entire premise behind it was highlighting the fucked up messages I have received on Plenty of Freaks. I think this series of messages probably takes the cake. Now keep in mind there is very little of my typical commentary on these because well... they are self explanatory. Pretty much everything I have replied was with a HEAVY dose of sarcasm:

S*********1
12/16/2012 6:37:23 PM
Wanna fuck


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 6:47:48 PM
Wow. That's blunt.


S*********1
12/16/2012 6:49:46 PM
Ohh no disrespect ... Home alone really horny :)


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 6:53:12 PM
That explains a lot. Lol. And I guess they are both very good reasons, although I live alone so I never have to worry about being home alone for it.


S*********1
12/16/2012 6:54:27 PM
Oh:)) well let me come over

I would love...love to go down on ub


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 6:58:03 PM
I am in the middle of making dinner right now.


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:12:08 PM
Ok don't let me bother u


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:17:18 PM
Ur gonna choose dinner over me licking ur pussy


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 7:23:26 PM
lol. Well, I don't know you, how well you'd lick my pussy, whether you are actually married or whether you are a raving psychopath. Not to mention, the Crossfit games are on.


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:24:39 PM
Ohhh not married not crazy ... Live to eat ur pussy :)))


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 7:29:26 PM
I'm sure... lol.


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:37:22 PM
I'd make u cum sooooooo hard


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 7:44:24 PM
Unfortunately, I have to decline your offer. I am really not the type to hook up with someone whose name I don't even know. I gave up that stupidity in college.

SERIOUSLY!?! First of all, you write like a 4th grader. Secondly, there is not a chance in HELL of me inviting you over to hook up. I don't know you. I get the general impression that you are are a dirty old man (who is like a year older than I am but whatever) and I am NOT interested in that BS. And lastly... The crossfit games are on and that is FAR more important that hooking up with you.