I’m sitting here wondering if perhaps I should get permission from one of the people I am about to include in this blog. Lol. He will understand
(ok, actually it is more of that old quote “its easier to get forgiveness than permission”). Not to mention… I highly doubt he will actually read this, which is funny because we talk just about everyday and he is one of the few people I truly look forward to speaking with. That list of people I look forward to speaking to is dwindling rapidly, and everything
(my life going sideways over the past few weeks) is all tied together. You see, I got completely FUCKED
(again) by the Biker Boy
(yeah… real shocker there) after going through one of the more traumatic episodes
(ok, like 4 days) of my life. Actually, it was more of during. In all honesty, I’m still in the middle of this whole shit-storm, but it has been a while since I have written and I am PRAYING that this brings me enough peace to sleep and not have my heart all screwed up.
I met Buti
(yes… I have changed names as usual) a loooooooooong time ago. Even then he was mad cool. He was the guy mother’s warned their daughters about
(Ok… all I really remember about him is this ridiculous Byronic Hero vision I had about him, and the fact my mother told me to stay the hell away from the entire family. Oh, and his brother and I had a thing for like 10 years – yup, I just blew that spot to everyone that has know me for a long time). Anyhow, he was that person in my life that I would think about and wonder about
(I actually have a couple of them and most of them I have found). He had the most off the wall job
(No joke. The scrapes he gets himself into are quite amusing and I get all the stories) and has managed to sustain a life that does not follow any rules
(except the rules that could get him put into jail if he breaks them) but his own.
On a whim, I added Buti on FaceBook after he added a friend of mine. Then I started feeling hella-stupid about adding him
(I’m A-MAZE-ZING at talking myself out of stuff) and I started wondering when an appropriate time to delete him would be
(yeah… not the brightest crayon in the box at times). As I am slowly driving myself crazy about when I should delete him, Buti freaking messages me. To say I was shocked as shit is probably the understatement of the century. I was TOTALLY gobsmacked
(Buti and I actually had a conversation about this a couple weeks ago). I was even more gobsmacked about the fact he remembered me
(and was STILL talking to me. I was a serious dork during high school). Regardless, I ended up having a “NIGHT”
(yeah, one of those where if one more thing went wrong I was going to hurt someone) and being half lit, I messaged him crying.
After that he has kind of become the person I go to when all hell breaks lose because of the absolutely BRILLIANT wisdom he gives me. Not only have I realized that Buti is like basically the “perfect guy”
(he is half a world away – seriously, that makes it SUPER hard to get tired of seeing someone. The fact he could not shower and be a royal asshole really doesn’t matter in cases like that. Lol. I wouldn’t have to deal with it. And I'm kidding... I've already teased him about this), but he has also managed to get me to realize a whole LOT of shit about me, and about whomever I date
(apparently it won’t be the Biker Boy who magically disappeared after I found out my drivers license was suspended).
I have a REALLY bad case of “Grass is Greener” Syndrome
(this is actually a lesson from today) – I’m a geek. It has taken me YEARS to realize that fact, AND to appreciate it
(usually). I prefer not to leave my house
(I don’t really drink that much anymore, I don’t smoke, and I hate dealing with the “popular” kids), I crochet and knit, I can’t particularly tell the difference idiots from reality shows
(but I can ID physicists and real scientists on science shows), I have a habit of saying some REALLY dumb foot-mouth shit without thinking
(more on that later) and secretly… I’m kinda jealous of the “cool” kids. At some point this morning I said something about being one of the least cool people Buti knows
(he knows some seriously intimidatingly cool people). I’m not going to get into very much detail about the rest of the conversation, but he told me that I was cool in my own right
(he gave me reasons why so it wasn’t just one of those pat on the hand kind of conversations) and that the grass is always greener… I don’t know what it is like to be in the situation his friend is in
(but thinking about it, parts of it HAS to suck), and for all I know this person would envy my simple “OMG I just bought insanely expensive yarn I’m so excited” pleasure in stuff.
I stay stupid shit ALL the time. Whoever I date needs to accept that and not give me shit about it – One of my favorite things about Buti is that I don’t get all twisted when I say something SUPER stupid to him, because he is never mean about it. He will definitely bust my balls about it
(especially if there was an unintentional double meaning) but he is never cruel about it. I have only felt the need to explain myself ONCE and that was because I REALLY put my foot in it.
Whether it is a friend or a boyfriend, things need to be given equally – I would do just about anything for Buti. But he has been there more than anyone
(Pookie – you were dealing with your shit and I didn’t want to bother you) else in my life. When shit goes sideways, he is the FIRST person I go to. Even if it is just a message so I can get everything out
(I will tell him he doesn’t have to read it if I am just venting). I have given everything I had to a LOT of people who really didn’t deserve it, and who completely abused my trust. I’ve now realized that if there are only a handful of people I trust, that’s ok. I can’t be the only person putting forth the effort, be it monetarily, time wise, emotionally or physically.
I don’t need a boyfriend or whatever to make me happy – I’ve probably said this a million and one times. I don’t need someone with a specific title to make me happy. In fact, the LAST thing I want is for that clingy “drop all the shit you love for the sake of someone” bullshit. I need a partner in crime, an equal, someone who will stand up to me, and someone who can duck faster that I can throw something at them
(“Next time, DUCK FASTER!”). I need someone who accepts me for who I am…
I will never apologize for who I am, nor should I have to. And I’m not going to sell myself short for the sake of making others happy
(cause seriously… If I have to do shit like that they really aren’t worth my time). It is time for me to take care of myself and the people who truly matter. The ones who don’t give back, can be left behind.
PS. I think one of my smarter FaceBook statuses was “Pondering the choices people make. Are savages those who force themselves to conform to rules they don't believe in, or are we those who are willing to rebel against others notions and live by our own rules, truly free in our lives, our decisions and our lack of regrets.”
