Speed Dating, Serial Killers and Biker Boys… Or Why Do Guys Do Stupid Stuff:

Speed Dating:
My FIRST thought upon arriving at the Hyatt for the speed dating event was “WTF am I thinking?!?” I had been talking to this guy (The Biker Boy, for future reference) for a couple days and everything was going swimmingly. Needless to say, I felt a BIT awkward going to the speed dating thing because I already had a date planned with the Biker Boy for Saturday and I’d been talking to him all day via text and email. My second thought, as all the guys were filing in was “FUCK ME! I’m the tallest one here!” Yes, I was wearing heels, BUT I am fairly tall for a chick to begin with. It always freaks me out to be the tallest person, or even if I am wearing flats, NEARLY the tallest person.

We did this weird game/ice breaker/mingling thing once the majority of people got there. Yeah. This requires me to remember people’s names. That is NOT a good thing. I am HORRIBLE with names. I also didn’t tell the friend I was with that I have agoraphobia and I know how other people view me (I’m VERY bouncy at times and I don’t always understand social cues). I was definitely a bit panicked about the whole thing. It was definitely fun talking to some of the people so I actually started to look forward to the actual speed date/one on one part of it. Once the final 2 guys showed up (they were actually taller than me in heels) the ladies were seated with one guy from the 10. So here is what I remember of the guys:

Bachelor #1: My initial reaction was that he was a bit too “Jersey Shore” for my tastes. This was shortly followed by… “Why the fuck is he wearing a black & white buffalo plaid shirt that looks to be a smidge too small? Oh. He wants to show off his impressive physique. *eye roll* Yup… Gotta LOVE steroids. Oh shit. He is the FIRST one I get to deal with. Please God, I know I only come to you when I really need something but please, please, please don’t let this guy be as fucking stupid as I think he is going to be.” We introduce ourselves and he is now looking distinctly uncomfortable. Do I have tooth paste on my cheek? BO? *sigh* This blows. “So… what do you do?” “I’m a personal trainer” “Wow. Somehow THAT doesn’t surprise me.” He manages to MISS my sarcasm. I’m NOT sure how but… ok. And then we get to the crux of the matter. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude… My psycho ex-girlfriend found out I was going to be here and showed up. With her new boyfriend. Who works as a stripper at Risque. That she always use to compare me to while we were dating. This is HUGELY awkward, and I’m really sorry.” In situations like that I did the only thing I could. Laughed my ass off. *Ding* Times up… which leads us to:

Bachelor #2: Did I remember to mention Bachelor #1 brought his BROTHER!?! Yeah. Cause speed dating isn’t awkward enough. Lol. And part of B1 and my convo was how his brother JUST drove back from West Palm. Lovely. So this guy and I have something in common. Nice. But he does have the forehead and build of a caveman (I’m use to wrestlers so I guess that KINDA makes him my style). He also has the apparent brain power of a 2x4. Actually no, that’s kind of cruel. He was in the same situation as his brother, being that all he knew about the now infamous ex was what his brother old him. And something tells me his brother was as much to blame for the craziness. We did in fact have driving styles and minor things like that in common. And we started to discuss how neither brother had any animosity towards the new boyfriend But then… *ding* Gah! My curiosity will never be appeased.

Bachelor #3: This poor guy never stood a chance. Why??? Because the maybe new boyfriend got ALL sorts of screwed up and thought he was meeting me next and I’m a gossip. Yeah. I really can’t remember much other than… Um. Ahhhhhhh…. *ding*

Bachelor #4: The new boyfriend. Who according to him isn’t dating her, they are just friends. Wait. Let me go back to the beginning. He sits down, introduces himself and says: “I am the supposedly new boyfriend. What have they been saying about me? Do they hate me??? I tried getting info from the girls before you but none of them would talk.” So I told him the truth. They didn’t hate him (they were running on that whole “bro’s before ho’s” think which I find alternatingly irritating and beneficial depending on the situation) but they did think that what she did was VERY fucked up. I did not follow the chicks before dicks rule (most of my friends are guys so I tend to side with them) and I definitely agree with the guys on this one. I really enjoyed bullshitting with B4 and he is someone I could see myself hanging out with or whatever. Not so much dating him tho.

Bachelor #5: Oh lord! My ex-roommate Britt use to have this saying about “nice guys”: “I eat nice guys for breakfast. They are my main source of fiber.” B5 fit this description. He was a very nice guy (admittedly with an annoyingly high voice) who wouldn’t have survived a date with me. We did have a lot in common but I can’t see him reacting well to me losing my temper. I throw things when I get pissed. And I scream. And I generally turn into a RAGING bitch. With me you have to either have the balls to tell me to shut the fuck up, or the brains to just roll. If you get in my way, it gets SUPER ugly. If you try to “fix” stuff in my life it gets even uglier. So, unfortunately, while I’d love to get a beer with him and talk web design, I doubt he’d be able to separate a “date” from “hanging out and bullshitting with someone as a friend”.

Bachelor #6: How can people who are so different all start blending together? Cause that’s what started happening by now. I have a SUPER short attention span (surprising I know!) and at this point I’m ready to just wander off. H. was a REALLY nice guy, but he was excessively short and like the rest, I’d get a kick out of going to have a beer, but not so much on the dating department.

Bachelor #7: This one was even shorter. He was a civil engineer on the Commodore Barry Bridge project. He was one of a group of 3 coworkers who apparently pre-gamed HARDCORE before the event.

Bachelor #8 & #9: They were equally drunk and holy hell they made the speed dating worth the price of admission. Lol. One stood up and started screaming that the coworker I was with was a Steelers fan and it was hysterical. They were both drinking whiskey on the rocks and were totally not serious about the whole situation. My face hurt by the end of talking to these guys.

Bachelor #10: I know I am no great beauty, not model skinny, and probably have more baggage than Louis Vuitton, but to have this guy look at the host and say “aren’t we done yet?” FUCK THAT SHIT! Seriously, he was scrawny, twitchy, and pretentious. I don’t care that he has a boat, an apartment at dockside and a house elsewhere. He asked me the same damn question 3 times, didn’t meet my eye, and bolted as soon as we were done. I have better things to do to be treated like shit by some douche bag. Whatever….

Everyone stuck around at the very end, some of us went out and smoked. Bachelor #2 proved he was a royal dick. Bummed a cigarette, then took 2 out of my pack. *rolls eyes* Hot, and knows it. Thinks a bird is going to fall all over herself for the honor of his attention. I’d rather masturbate with a rusty cheese grater than EVER go out with that asshat. People like that are part of the reason I have been single for so long and are a large part of the reason I rarely leave my house anymore.

The TRUE entertainment started in the hotel bar when some drunk dude decided to try to hook me up with his friend. Don’t get me wrong, the friend was VERY good looking, but the entire situation was a bit strange. Thank god my coworker had to roll, because it gave me an excuse to bail too. I got onto the train to head home and proceeded to start texting with the Biker Boy who I had been talking with almost constantly for the last week. I was half shot in the ass because I haven’t been sleeping lately, and for some reason the walk to my car was a hell of a lot scarier than usual… I got home safe, but I’d called B.B. on the way which leads us to:

The Biker Boy:
There is not much I can say about this as a critique since whatever we have together is still in the process of playing itself out. I guess the best way I can describe it is “complicated”. B.B. is an AWESOME guy. I really dig him. He is one of the first guys I’ve met in a long time that I would date and NOT feel like my life was being spent taking care of him and worrying about him. But BB also drives me fucking nuts. I guess he doesn’t realize how self-sufficient I am, or expects me to be one of those stupid birds who thinks his life begins and ends with me. Which, given the number of idiots I’ve run into on PoF, doesn’t surprise me. He also has the habit of going *poof* gone. Yeah, and I am neurotic, so him going AWOL for a week (which he just did) drives me batshit crazy. But I am going to give the highlights of why I dig him so much, and why I turned down a guy that I TOTALLY adore:

~ He is super protective and not in a stupid, “You’re a helpless chick” sort of way. There is this neighbor Jay I have, that like a year ago I drank like 2 bottles of wine and hooked up with. Now the guy won’t leave me alone, telling me he is so in love with me and that I broke his heart by disappearing (he has SUPER bad breath and dude smells like death, I wonder why I disappeared when I sobered up). Last weekend I was taking some trash out and getting some herbs from my garden when my neighbor O and I started going back and forth about the fact that I was wearing a white teeshirt (and since it was hot as hell I hadn’t put on a bra after I got home from work). To my horror all of a sudden I hear “Puuuuuuuuunk!!!!!” I some how managed to miss that Jay was in Ben’s yard. *sigh* Fuck me gently with a chain saw. Then it became a rapid-fire clusterfuck of stupid questions and whining. Really! Jay asked me what I was doing and if I lived at my house (my reply was: no, I am in some strangers fucking garden picking their fucking herbs, OF COURSE I FUCKING LIVE HERE!) . Then he starts with the whining about why do I hate him. Probably the fact that I have repeatedly told him NOT to fucking call me Punk, and that I don’t hate him, I want to be left the hell alone!

This is my issue with the entire situation… There was a REASON this douche bag never knew where I lived. Because every time I am forced to deal with him I feel like I need witness protection. Seriously, I told one of the captains of the Florence PD that I would set the motherfucker up (he has to be the most incompetent drug dealer EVER! I told him I don’t use ANYTHING and he continuously pushes me on if I will use *insert drug name here*) as long as they promise to lock him up so I don’t have to deal with him! Three of my neighbors are drug deals… I would NEVER sell them out (one of them is actually doing it to pay his wife’s college tuition). I hate this motherfucker THAT much.

I am actually kind of scared about the fact that this guy and his cousins now know where I live. I live by myself and other than a collection of knives near my bed, I have VERY little means of protection. When I told B.B. about all of this, all he said was “If he fucks with you, I will take care of it.” I’m pretty sure the dead serious look in his eyes explained it all. I am waiting until the day the Serial Killer calls and I am with B.B.

~ He can deal with my sarcastic comments without getting all stupid about it. We managed to get into the worlds STUPIDEST argument the night of our first date (which was supposed to be on a Saturday but ended up be the day after the speed dating). It was hot out and I decided I wanted to go to the movies. Reasonable especially because I have no AC except in my bedroom and I am tired of being stuck in one room of my house. I was on the train home and suggested that B.B. and I meet in Woodbridge to see a movie since its half way between us. Then he started… telling me to just come to his house (did I mention he lives an hour and a half away?????) and I can just stay at his house and blah, blah, blah. Then I got pissed. Why the FUCK do I have to do all of the driving?? That seriously doesn’t seem fair. Plus there seems to be the mistaken impression that he is getting a piece of ass.

Then the truth FINALLY comes out. He had stuff he has to do for the MC before he heads out to meet me and he didn’t want me waiting all damn night. *sigh* This is the point in time that I tell him he is stupid and is an ass. We would have saved a good 20 min of arguing, and me getting stressed & pissed off if he had just said that in the first damn place. I did end up going to his house, and we went out on the bike up to some little strange town in NY state (it was a weird preppy twilight zone). We had a great time and I did end up crashing at his house because I would have fallen asleep on the drive home.

~ He thinks I’m a good person because his dog doesn’t like to leave my side when I am up there. Most guys I know would get all weird about the fact their dog looks to me before they listen to a command. B.B. just takes it as his dog is a good judge of character.

~ He opens car doors for me. But he was also surprised when we went for pet food that I told him to give me his keys so I could open the trunk for him. Its more of a partnership than me being spoilt.

Like I said though, I don’t know where this is going to lead because there are 2 separate parts of B.B.’s life, and when you keep me in the dark on shit I get very, very nervous. But I do want to see where this ride goes. This is a guy who fits most the things I want in a guy.

The Serial Killer… Or “How bad of a Judge of Character am I?”:
Ahhhhhhh… Where the FUCK do I start with this one? When I started to talk to C originally he seemed super cool. Like a little too cool, actually. We decided that we were going to go to NYC on the 4th for our first date, and I was really looking forward to it. But then he got weird when I wasn’t comfortable giving him my number. It’s my goddamn cell phone, and to be totally honest, I am not in the mood to have to change my number because of some psycho-twinkie. When I finally did give him my number, I told him POINTBLANK that I cannot STAND talking on the phone and the fastest way to piss me off is to call me. So what does he do… FUCKING CALLS ME! Then he calls me back and leaves another voicemail (I think they are an even bigger waste of time that being stuck in one damn place in my house to talk on the phone) apologizing for calling me when I am at work, and that he is really sorry for bothering me and… *face-palm* FUCK! I am dealing with another pussy! Maybe 4 days after I start talking to him, I get a voicemail (did I mention he would call me 4 or 5 times a day even after I asked him not to?) of him whining that he had a rough day and to please call him cause he “needs” to hear my voice. Holy hell! Did I mention that this dude apparently is a TOTAL pussy?????? I don’t want to hear that you NEED me 4 days after we start talking. Maybe after 4 months… 4 years would be preferable.

As the planning for the date continues, it becomes much more complicated. Suddenly, he needs to stay at my house because his car isn’t working so he is taking the bus up. I am really not sure how I feel about that one, because I am neurotic about people knowing where I live. Those who know me well know why. I have friends I have known for 7 & 8 years who still have never been to my house. But I tell him it is ok, because I didn’t know what else to say. He pretty much invited himself over. And I am about to start scrambling for an out because he has made a comment about hooking up with me and my part-time roommate and he seems to think he is allowed to hold all my time hostage.

At some point around now, my curiosity gets the best of me, and I decided to find him on MySpace. It’s NOT like it was THAT hard. Find his band, find the band members and… Wait???? WTF????? He’s ENGAGED?!? For the shits and giggles, I add him anyway. I wanted to see what he would do. After he accepts my request, he suddenly becomes single. So let me get this shit straight… You COMPLETELY forget about your status for over a year, until I find your Facebook too, and then call you out on your bullshit. I was born at night… But not last fucking night. I don’t fuck around with shit like that. I was the other woman for… almost 10 years. It got me no where, and nothing except a very warped view of dating. I don’t buy the line that he “forgot” because it was a super bad break-up.

And the more I told my neighbors Jess & O, and the more they gave me their opinions on everything, the more I realized that this was a potentially bad situation. At one point, when I was thinking on just meeting C in Philly (I had already scheduled my tattoo appointment which ensured I wasn’t going to get super stupid and agree to meet him Coney Island, a place that is HIS stomping grounds not mine), he said in response to me telling him I didn’t trust him any further than I could throw him “You will trust me as soon as you meet me.” He also started texting and calling me constantly when I said I wanted to be left the fuck alone. It hit the point where he was DEMANDING I call him that we “needed to talk” (no, I NEED to die and pay taxes. If I can get out of either of them I fucking will!). I was dealing with other stuff in my life and the last thing I really wanted was more drama. At one point I was so fed up, I started telling someone I had met on a different dating site (and who has expressed on multiple occasions that he wants to take me home) what was going on, and his comment when I told him the “You’ll trust me” line was, “Yeah, You’d trust him as soon as he slips the roofie into your drink. You’d be seriously stupid to meet this guy anywhere, and this is coming from someone who would jump your bones as soon as I saw you.”

Um…. Yeah. So this guy went from being super cool, to being called Chuck 2.0 (a reference to my ex-psychotwinkie who is the entire reason I can’t stand spineless pussies), to being referred to as the Serial Killer. Everyone I spoke to about this dude was convinced that if I ever went out with him, I would NEVER come back. And he still calls me occasionally, demanding I call him.