I said I loved you, but I lied...

So, a couple months ago I was talking to this guy. He decided to disappear on me repeatedly (no, this is not the one I just dumped) and I got tired of the bullshit he pulled. He was also stupid. Not like a bit dumb.he was FUCKING retardedly stupid. I blocked him on the dating site where we met, but suddenly he messaged me today. This was how the conversation ended:

k****y
1/18/2013 12:55:46 PM
Random question... Sorry to ask, but was I your smallest or one of ur smallest?


Hooli-Gin
1/18/2013 1:26:11 PM
I'm sorry, what?!?

k****y
1/18/2013 1:33:42 PM
Had a few girls tell me I have a small dick n was there smallest, I was wondering if you thought the same. Stupid I know but just courious.

I'm sorry... I am not answering that question! Fuck that racket. I really don't want to deal with that level of shit.

Well, I guess you should get points for persistance!

Oh wait... No you don't.

When I started this blog, the entire premise behind it was highlighting the fucked up messages I have received on Plenty of Freaks. I think this series of messages probably takes the cake. Now keep in mind there is very little of my typical commentary on these because well... they are self explanatory. Pretty much everything I have replied was with a HEAVY dose of sarcasm:

S*********1
12/16/2012 6:37:23 PM
Wanna fuck


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 6:47:48 PM
Wow. That's blunt.


S*********1
12/16/2012 6:49:46 PM
Ohh no disrespect ... Home alone really horny :)


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 6:53:12 PM
That explains a lot. Lol. And I guess they are both very good reasons, although I live alone so I never have to worry about being home alone for it.


S*********1
12/16/2012 6:54:27 PM
Oh:)) well let me come over

I would love...love to go down on ub


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 6:58:03 PM
I am in the middle of making dinner right now.


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:12:08 PM
Ok don't let me bother u


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:17:18 PM
Ur gonna choose dinner over me licking ur pussy


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 7:23:26 PM
lol. Well, I don't know you, how well you'd lick my pussy, whether you are actually married or whether you are a raving psychopath. Not to mention, the Crossfit games are on.


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:24:39 PM
Ohhh not married not crazy ... Live to eat ur pussy :)))


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 7:29:26 PM
I'm sure... lol.


S*********1
12/16/2012 7:37:22 PM
I'd make u cum sooooooo hard


Hooli-Gin
12/16/2012 7:44:24 PM
Unfortunately, I have to decline your offer. I am really not the type to hook up with someone whose name I don't even know. I gave up that stupidity in college.

SERIOUSLY!?! First of all, you write like a 4th grader. Secondly, there is not a chance in HELL of me inviting you over to hook up. I don't know you. I get the general impression that you are are a dirty old man (who is like a year older than I am but whatever) and I am NOT interested in that BS. And lastly... The crossfit games are on and that is FAR more important that hooking up with you.

SERIOUSLY!?! You were doing SO well...

It has been a while hasn't it, my darlings? Amazingly, for the past 8 months I have had a minimum of "WTF?!?" provoking messages. Well, I have had a few but they were SO amazingly bad that I didn't think you would believe they were real. And then I got this yesterday from a white "rapper" in Lancaster Co...

o****9
11/18/2012 6:24:48 PM
You seem like a lovely girl. I hope we can talk and become much closer. (ok, I am willing to give this guy a chance upon initially glancing at his profile. It seems to be fairly well written and actually has proper punctuation. Physically, he is NO WHERE close to my ideal but considering my ideal hasn't gotten me very far in the past few years of dating so maybe I will try something different.)

-Gus
 
Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 6:34:02 PM
Hi Gus, I'm Melissa. It's nice to meet you.

 o****9
11/18/2012 6:35:03 PM
Nice to meet you too, Melissa. Your first name is the Greek word for "bee". So, are you seeing anyone...

 Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 6:36:27 PM
Lol. Not just any bee. Honey bee. It's also part of the Latin name for lemon balm. Not at the moment.

(By this time i have actually read his profile and was cracking up:
Big Steelers fan? Awesome! Don't contact me. Mouth-breathers who have no sense of self are too stupid to attract a man without sacrificing their femininity and rationalize this behavior with the most basic, caveman level of logic. "If me act like him, maybe him will like me". It's ridiculous that most of the profiles I read look like they were made by teenage boys. "This is my fav football team and this is my fav baseball team". I'm sure those things are really going to help a guy figure out if he should be dating you. Because, ya know, liking the same hockey player or liking the same beer is totally going to help you love each other more and lie to each other less. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HAVE IN COMMON! Oh yeah, and don't tell me about how attractive you are. Try to refrain from calling yourself hot, sexy, etc. If you need an explanation for that one, you are conceited and I am not interested.
I do think I am hot, and I MOST DEFINITELY have times when I talk about how attractive I am. I have busted my ass for the past 7 months doing CF and I am proud of how I look. And I do love football. Not because it makes me more attractive to a guy, because I ACTUALLY LIKE WATCHING FOOTBALL!)
 
o****9
11/18/2012 6:37:45 PM
Interesting. Beautiful, I too am completely single. It's hard to get to know someone through words on a screen my little honey bee. Maybe we should have a real conversation on the phone. (Good try slick. I am not giving you my phone number 13 minutes after you initially message me. I don't like talking to my FRIENDS on the phone, why would I want to talk to you when I know NOTHING about you.)

Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 7:01:15 PM
At the moment I'm keeping a friend company on his transit shifts and none of the plugs in the cab work, so my phone is going to die really soon. :-(

o****9
11/18/2012 7:25:58 PM
I see! Ok well, maybe some other time then 7** 3** ****

o****9
11/18/2012 8:05:31 PM
Fitness is clearly important to you. All my pics are recent. Would you find me less attractive if I said I have a belly? (Did you REALLY think I missed that in your pictures? No. I already realize you are heavy. I had decided you probably had some sort of redeeming quality to you that negated any qualms about your lack of fitness and I would give you a chance. Now I am regretting not telling you to pis off initially, because you are apparently not self-confident enough for me.)

Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 8:58:25 PM
I realize most people aren't as hardcore as I am about fitness.

And so the conversation ends in a fiery crash and burn...

Happy FCUKING Valentine's Day to me...

I'm sure anyone who knows me well remembers the awesomeness that occurred on my birthday. For those who don't know, I was dumped ON my birthday. Although I am no longer sure I was "officially" dumped, as looking back in public I was always referred to as his "FRIEND". In private, I was just a possession (Yes... I know, that SHOULD have been a warning sign but I am not always the brightest crayon when blinded by rainbows.). Regardless of whether I was actually his girlfriend, the bullshit that went down on my birthday was uncalled for. There are certain undisputed facts of this incident:

• The day I met up with him in NYC to come back to my house, he was incredibly rude to my best friend (ding. ding. ding! Warning sign right there...)
• The next day, when my best friend was supposed to bring my car back, this jackass demanded that my best friend bring him iced tea. His reasoning? If my best friend was at MY beck and call, then my best friend needed to be at his beck and call. (ARE!YOU!FUCKING!SHITTING!ME?!? No... My best friend isn't your slave, fucktard. He is my best friend and we do stuff for each other. He wakes me up at ridiculous hours because he is awake then he brings me coffee. I try not to kill him for doing so. It's even.)
  
• He chose to go see his cousin's instead of going to my birthday party, because god-forbid.... I was a fucking BARTENDER and the party was being held at my bar! (According to him, everyone who hangs out at bars, and especially those who drink, are bad people. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, if this guy did more that lock himself in this weird world where he had to adhere to a bunch of ridiculous, nonsensical ruleshe would be a lot happier in his life.)
• The day of my birthday, I received a phone call at the time he was SUPPOSED to be getting back to my house saying I HAVE to go pick him up in Willow Grove because none of the trains in Philadelphia were running (Ok... I am stupid, but I am not RETARDED! Philadelphia is a MAJOR transit hub. Short of a major tragedy at 30th Street, ok a TERRORIST ATTACK, they will not shut down all of the trains on a crystal clear fall day. I spoke to a friend shortly there after and her BF kindly checked SEPTA's website. Guess what was running?). When I called him out on this, he became completely enraged. How dare I question him??? I lost my shit at this point and flat out REFUSED to drive what would be damn near an hour each way to go pick him up (I have since realized he just didn't want to take public trans, and since I was nothing more than a servant to him, I had to drop everything to get him. It didn't matter than it may screw up my birthday.).
• Everything when he came back to my house is fuzzy. I was finally asleep after staying up all night and walking to get my car when he came in. He started bitching at me as I faded in and out of of sleep, then he left. I believe there may have been an email afterwards telling me I was a horrible person, but I was done at that time so I deleted it.
  

Then I received this...

11/2/11

to me
Hello M....Thought i would say hello and hope that you are well.
I would like to tell you that you are welcome to come back to antigua again and stay would love to see you again.
I believe that you are less stressed out when you are here and i really had such a great time when we were together here in antigua.
Let me know how you are.

S*****e

(Wait... So you fucked up my birthday because your idea of dealing with a problem is WALKING AWAY FROM IT!?! Now you want everything forgiven and I am welcome to come stay with you again?)

11/2/11

to S****

Hey S****,

I've been well. Working at least 6 days a week between the kids and the bar. At some point I'm going to switch bars and go to one of the strip clubs in philly. The money isn't there at a****e anymore and if I work at risque I can have the kids full time too. The extra money would definitely make my life easier. But I haven't made a decision yet.

How have you been? Thank you for the invite. It's going to be a while before I can travel again. I'm going to Texas a couple times in the next few months and to Mexico so the travel fund is seriously depleted.

(This was my blow off reply)

11/25/11

to me
Hello M....Hope things are getting better for you ....i must say i really miss you and would love to see ya again....Can you let me know if you would come back to Antigua if i got you a ticket? Really loved the time we spent together here and i had soooo much fun with you ...Let me know if you need a break ok...Thinking of you alot...Love S*****e

(So let me get this right, you bounced on me. You fucked up my birthday. You treated me like SHIT for the 4 months we were together. THEN you have the fucking sack to tell me how much you miss me, you were thinking of me and you DARED to sign it LOVE?!? You wouldn't know what love was if it bit you in the fucking ass! After my shreak of rage, my mother asked me what happened. Shortly thereafter, my brother sat me down and we had a discussion about the idea of a Japanese Inspection...

"If you two wanna turn yourselves into a greasy spot on a country road somewhere, go right ahead. I don't give a shit and I don't think anybody else does, regardless what they say to your face. But you two monkeys are not going to do it on my racetrack. Now y'all heard of a "Japanese Inspection?" Japanese Inpsection, you see, when the Japs get in a load of lettuce they're not sure they wanna let in the country, why they'll just let it sit there on the dock 'til they get good and ready to look at. But then of course, it's all gone rotten... ain't nothing left to inspect. You see, lettuce is a perishable item... like you two monkeys. You trade paint one more time, you so much as touch, I'm gonna Black Flag the two of you, and take apart your racecars for three-hundred laps. Then, if you pass inspection and you put your cars back together, I might let you back into the race. Now, just to show there's no hard feelings we're all gonna go out to dinner together." (Days of Thunder)

So I "Japanese Inspected" his ass. I put the email aside and decided I would deal with it when I chose. Then I promptly forgot about it.)

12/5/11

to me
Hello M...did you get my last email ...? are you ok.
I want you to come back to antigua baby...

S*****e

(Please keep in mind the subject of this email was "Haven't hurd from you". I cringed at the spelling.)

12/5/11

to S****

I got your last email while I was in Texas. I have been dealing with 2 major family emergencies and a collapsed ceiling so traveling is not on my list of things that I'm thinking about at the moment. I start my new job in a week and I won't be able to take any time off.

(At this point, I wrote up a stock email and sent it to a friend of mine on the off chance I received another email from this douche bag)

4:10 PM (20 hours ago)

to me
Hello M ....been thinking about you...i am coming to NYC soon and wanted to know if you wanted to see me. I miss you alot and am always thinking about ya...let me knnow if you wanna hook up baby....love S*****e

This most likely will be my reply:

Dear S***t,

Perhaps you should have considered how I would react to further email invitations to come see you and especially professions of your affections, before you:

1. Treated my friends like shit,
2. Refused to come to my birthday party because it was god forbid at a bar and restaurant
3. had the gall to ruin my birthday by expecting me to come bail you out and being nasty to me when I wouldn't. You lied to me about the trains not running, and then when I called you out on it suddenly the story changed and I was crazy and you meant ONE of the trains wasn't running. The appropriate thing for you to have done was to have your cousin drive you to 30th Street Station rather than you demanding I drive at least two hours having not slept to come pick you up, and then getting mad when I wouldn't.
4. And then, considered me a "problem" which you chose to walk away from.
   

Unfortunately, my schedule will neither permit a trip to Antigua at any point to see you, nor will it accommodate either me going to New York City to see you or you coming to see me. I have realized, I do not want someone in my life who behaves as erratically as you do, nor someone who does not appreciate what they have in front of them. There were far too many instances where your behavior was pushed back on me as my fault, and that is an additional thing I don't want or need in my life. While I am not in a relationship, I have met a very nice guy who has made it a point to show me how a TRUE gentleman acts. Additionally, I have no desire to go back and revisit times were someone was maliciously hurtful to me to make themselves feel more important.

I have no desire to continue receiving emails from you, especially when they are professing you affections for me and how much you miss me. They are insulting and inconsiderate. I have chosen to move on with my life.

Regards,
Melissa

So what! I'm still a rock star...

Ahhhhhh... There are few things I love more than good Potato Soup (Hmmmm?!? Beer, cigarettes, hot guys in uniform, hot guys who aren't in uniform, hard cider, good books, ok, maybe there are a lot of things I love more than potato soup but anyhow... the story isn't as good without that beginning) and I promised a friend I would give her step by step instructions on how to make my version of potato soup. So let the clusterfuck... I mean lesson begin:

1. Don't start writing out and taking pictures for a blog only to realize you have dirty dishes in the sink... Its no bueno!

2. This is what I use for making my potato soup. Oh, and a potato peeler. The duller of the 2 knives is used to cut the frozen bacon (no, I am not stupid enough to fuck up my favorite knife to cut something frozen.)

3. A basic overview of the ingredients. (Am I exact with this? Hi, have we met?!? Hell no. I wing it EVERY time I make potato soup. Its awesome cause as I am walking around the grocery store I am talking to myself and attempting to figure out if I am forgetting anything. People stay FAR away from me.)

• A side of bacon
• 2 leeks
• a couple cloves of garlic
• 3-4 boxes of chicken stock
• 2 onions
• 5 lbs of potatoes
• Salt & pepper to taste
  

4. Cut up the bacon. I do it while it is still frozen cause it is easier to cut, but if your knife skills suck, PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS! You will lose a finger.

5. Put the sliced bacon aside for safe keeping. (You know... In case you get mugged by a crazed bacon loving gunman.)

6. Wash your leeks, cut the roots and the woody ends off them. Split them in half (again... BE CAREFUL!), chop them, put them in a colander, then put that colander in a sink of cold water to rinse all the sand out of the leeks. While you are doing this have your stock pot heating...

7. Start cooking the bacon. (Yes, I know... this is an amazing thought, you wouldn't consume frozen raw bacon.) Don't have the heat up too hot, burned bacon is not what we are looking for this.

8. While the bacon is filling your house with all its bacon-ey goodness, chop or grate the garlic. I prefer mine grated, but I am high maintenance.

9. HEY! Did you forget about your leeks that were chilling in the cold water? Pull them out and let them drain.

10. Still keeping an eye on your bacon, dice your onions and if your bacon is done drain off about half the fat.

11. Saute the onion and garlic until pretty soft (Yup... Highly technical terms there).

12. Add the leeks. Stir, then cover for a minute or 2.

13. Scrape all the yummy brown stuff off the bottom of the pan, and turn the heat down to low and re-cover.

14. Clean your potatoes really well, then peel them. I usually leave a spiral of skin. It gives a better texture to the soup.

15. Dice the potatoes, and add them to the cooked down leek, onion, garlic, bacon mixture. Stir well as you are adding the potatoes. Add 2 or so boxes of stock (I go about an inch above the potatoes), then simmer the potatoes til they are tender.

17. Once the the potatoes are done, bust out your blender (I am not cool enough to have an immersion blender. Not that I really need it, considering my 60 year old blender kicks ass and takes names.) CAREFULLY fill the carafe about half full with everything (solid & liquid).

18. Blend, empty into a bowl, repeat. If you have to add extra stock (hence all the extra boxes, DUH!), do so slowly and carefully through the little hole on the blender lid. Try not to over-blend. Its supposed to be slightly chunky.

19. I take a potato masher to the last quarter of the soup so it is super chunky (that's how I like my peanut butter too), pour the remainder into the bowl, salt & pepper it to taste and mix.

20. ENJOY!

I've been down this road before, but I broke down half way home...

(This is probably not the right venue for this diatribe, but its my blog so I am going to post it here anyway... Merry-Death, I promise the other blog we talked about will be next)

"I guess in preparation for the snow tomorrow there has been a preemptive strike of douche bags on the road tonight. Geez guys! Wtf?!?"

I realized earlier, people REALLY need to get their shit together when commuting! Especially when you are traveling on a toll road. Commuting is a team sport. All it takes is one asshole to screw everything up, and then everyone loses. You end up with those "WTF ARE YOU DOING" moments, "Phantom Traffic Jams", "Road Rage" and that general desire to bang your head against your steering wheel until you lose consciousness thereby not having to deal with it anymore for that day.

"WTF ARE YOU DOING!?!"
When you receive a toll ticket (I am a bit skeeved by EZ-Pass and its traceability so I don't have one), what do you do with it so it is in a safe place? Do you put it in your wallet? Does it go in your sun visor? In a pack of cigarettes? In my case it goes in the compartment under the radio WITH the money for the tolls which I put there before I turn the car on. Actually it sticks out of the compartment, so I don't have to even LOOK in order to get everything together to pay the toll AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. Why? Because I have a deep and abiding fear of being... "THAT person".

When I say "THAT person", I mean the freaking idiot (that is meant as a completely technical term, as we ALL look at that person and mutter under our breath "expletive IDIOT!") who gums up the carefully oiled machine that is your daily commute, ordering coffee, getting lottery tickets or any of a number of other seemingly simple actions. Every person is a cog in an unbelievably complex machine, and and all it takes is one or two of "THAT person" to throw a massive monkey wrench into everything. We have all dealt with them, some of us may actually BE that person without even realizing it. I had a run in with "THAT person" today while waiting to pay a toll.

I am not sure what the exact nature of the issue, all I know is that I sat with a truck grumbling and honking slowly crawling its way into my back seat, while the guy in front of me TORE HIS CAR APART looking for something. I saw this coming as when I pulled up, the car finally crept forward to the toll taker's window. Unfortunately, by then it was too late, I had the jacked up pick up truck behind me so I couldn't reverse the hell out of there and go to another lane. I have to assume the difficulty was a lost toll ticket since I watched the guy in front of me check his visor no less than 5 times (just an observation... if it wasn't there the first two times, it will not magically *bamf* its way there just to piss you off!). As I have said previously, I keep my toll money & ticket in the same place EVERY time I travel on a toll road, so this was exceptionally frustrating for me since I was completely ready to pay and leave as soon as possible (I was less than 5 miles from home). Apparently it was even MORE frustrating for the dude behind me who was using his horn to encourage "THAT person" to get his ass moving. About 5 minutes later, either after the toll collector took pity on the guy, or he found his ticket and moved on, the toll collector looked at me and quipped: "How frustrating was that idiot!?!" I laughed and told him the douche bags are out in force due to the impending snow. Sadly, I wasn't joking.

Wasn't it Elizabeth Barrett Browning who said in regards to people like "THAT person": "How douche-y are thee? Let me count the ways"?

"Phantom Traffic Jams"
In April 2010, I read an article on the Daily Mail about those weird traffic jams which appear to have no cause, but are endlessly frustrating for people who commute. Now here is the reason this article, and the paper it was based on, interested me so much; it was written by a mathematician. Yeah, there aren't enough questions to be answered in the universe, we have to come up with the scientific reason we get stuck in traffic.

"Yesterday it was revealed that phantom traffic jams - queues of stationary cars that develop for no apparent reason - can be caused by the actions of just one driver.

Dr Eddie Wilson, from the University of Bristol, unveiled research showing that, under the right conditions, one individual's bad driving can create 'a traffic tsunami which can affect traffic up to 50 miles away'.

Working with a team of fellow mathematicians, Dr Wilson analysed driver behaviour on a 10-mile stretch of the M42, which is one of Britain's busiest stretches of motorways.

While accidents did cause tailbacks, the researchers found that the major cause of congestion was nothing more sinister than sharp braking, unnecessary lane changes and lorries overtaking one another.

Under the right conditions, any one of these innocuous events can create the 'perfect storm' which Dr Wilson said can lead to 'traffic chaos'." (1.)

Dr. Wilson is not the only mathematician who has been working on the mathematics of phantom traffic jams, but the conclusion by MIT is slightly different than that of University of Bristol:

"The observation that simple, purely deterministic traffic models possess jamiton solutions indicates that phantom traffic jams are not necessarily caused by individual drivers behaving in a "wrong" way. In fact, they can even occur if all drivers behave by the exact same laws. In the considered traffic models, two key effects work towards the occurrence of phantom traffic jams: first, denser traffic travels slower; and second, it takes a certain "adjustment time" for drivers to react to new traffic conditions. These effects are counter-acted by a certain tendency of the drivers to drive preventively. In light traffic, the good effects dominate. In heavy traffic, the bad effects prevail. Hence, phantom traffic jams are probably an unavoidable feature of traffic flow.
Benefits of a better understanding of jamitons
Real traffic possesses jamitons. Hence, a better understanding of their structure can be beneficial for the simulation and prediction of real highway traffic. Furthermore, the research can be one step towards answering the key question "how can the occurrence of phantom traffic jams be avoided". The occurrence of jamitons depends on the model parameters, such as road capacities, speed limits, and driving behavior. A deeper understanding of jamitons may give indications on how to lower peak densities, and how to shift the critical threshold density at which jamitons occur upwards. The latter may be achieved by electronic devices that assist the drivers' behavior in a subtle fashion." (2.)

This is not only an issue mathematicians have been working on. Physicist have been working on it as well.

"We treat traffic as a chemically reacting gas," he said. In the research team's eyes, traffic flow is a gas and the start of a traffic jam is explosion and that force ripples outwards, engulfing everything in its path. When math formulas are applied to Flynn's model he can tell how quickly a traffic jam starts and how severe it will become." (3.)

My feelings on all of this can be boiled to a much easier premise:

Don't be a douche bag: Cutting people off, break checking, and generally behaving like an asshole in heavy traffic won't get you there any faster. In fact, it will slow down the rest of us, if not get some of us killed!

"Road Rage"
We have all dealt with the person (hell some of us have BEEN the person, I was totally guilty of it for YEARS) who rides your ass like its their job, comes flying around you on the right, and squeezes themselves into the miniscule gap between you and the car in front of you. Seriously, it won't get you to your destination any faster, it guzzles gas, and god forbid you misjudge the space between the cars. Not to mention, it pisses other drivers off and next thing you know you have a freaking caravan of twitchy, pissy, assholes who are treating the freeway like it is their own person bumper car ride. I like my car too much to deal with these kinds of assholes.

*shakes head*

I really don't understand the whole issue people have with driving. People are all trying to get home in one piece. If there was less lack of attention, lack of courtesy, and overabundance of douche baggery, perhaps there would be less people hitting the brakes and therefore less people slowing down to a ridiculous amount.

There is a further litany of stuff people do that piss me off, but I have been writing for almost 2 hours and now that I have gone through this process I am all good with the world again.

1. Newling, Dan. “'Phantom' traffic jams that cause misery for motorists can be caused by just ONE driver.” 3 Apr. 2010: Daily Mail. www.dailymail.co.uk.


2. Flynn, Morris R.; Kasimov, Aslan R.; Nave, Jean-Christophe; Rosales, Rodolfo Ruben; Seibold, Benjamin. "Traffic Modeling - Phantom Traffic Jams and Traveling Jamitons". MIT Mathmatics. http://math.mit.edu/projects/traffic/.

3. Murphy, Brian. "Traffic jams follow explosive pattern, says researcher". 5 Jun. 2009. Physorg.com. http://www.physorg.com/news163417792.html

Now I sense a destiny: your ass and my size 12. (ok... its a 9 but whatever)

The time has come to ask you 'have we met'?
We must have from the way you talk shit on the internet.
Saying things I never knew about myself.
Now I sense a destiny: your ass and my size 12.
I know that you're the guy to spread said lies.
I've seen it in Helvetica right before my eyes.
And I heard it from the east, west, north, and south.
Let's see how you talk shit with a steel toe in your mouth.
Run like a bitch.
So fun to play the righteous one, now you're paying for your sins.
Run like a bitch.
When I catch up with you I'm gonna bash your head right in.
I know you like to let the loose lips flap.
You gossip like a little girl who needs a big bitch-slap.
Saying things whether or not you know them true.
Now you're standing silent when I'm here in front of you.
You're dealing with a person, not a screen.
I'll 'double back slash' your throat and 'delete' your fucking spleen.
And your girlfriend better put away that mace,
Before I have the skinhead girls do a dance upon her face.
You're reaping every stitch the doctor sews.
You're earning yourself missing teeth and a badly broken nose.
'Cause you're the type of bitch-ass that I loathe.
I see you have 2 faces so I'm gonna break them both.
I hope you hold the lesson that you got.
You're better not to speak or type about what you know not.
And when you wake up sore in the morning,
Be sure to remind yourself this was just a warning.
(Hub City Stompers, Chatterbox)

I have been sitting on this blog for well over a month because it pissed me off SO badly, and I was debating whether I actually wanted to acknowledge this guys douche-baggery. And since I was telling my friend Rob (who I actually know from Plenty of Freaks) about this set of messages I figured the time had come to post them. you will notice one odd thing... I did not delete this guys name, and I am putting his profile out there. Why? because it amuses me. So here we go...

This is "Prince Charming's" profile:



nycareadude2005 : I'm the biggest prick you'll ever meet!!
City New York New York
Smoker? No
Sign Virgo
Ethnicity Caucasian with Brown hair
Height 6' 1" (185 cm)
Body Type Athletic
Age 40 year old Man
Religion Buddhist
Relationship N/A
Chemistry View his chemistry results


Send a Quick Message!
I am Seeking a Woman For Hang Out
Do you drink? Socially
Do you want children? Prefer Not To Say
Marital Status Single
Do you do drugs? No
Pets Other Eye
Color Brown
Profession Manager
Do you have children? No
Education Bachelors degree
Do you have a car? Yes

Relationship

Intent nycareadude2005 wants to date but nothing serious.

Relationship History The longest relationship nycareadude2005 has been in was over 3 years long.


Interests

Laughing at people when they trip over the curb

About Me
I'm disgusting, rude, mean, ugly, stupid, uneducated, unemployed, unmotivated, short, fat and bald with bad teeth. All in all, I'm a vomitous human being. I'm the role model for a dysfunctional life and I have absolutely no redeeming social qualities. If I had any friends, they would say that I'm a total ***hole. My mom, however, does say that I'm a great catch! I'm seeking a woman who is really, really stupid and has such low self esteem that she'll turn and look the other way when she catches me cheating on her. I love "drama" and I love to "play games". I also only wear "Ed Hardy" clothing.

I'm seeking a short-term relationship; about one night should be sufficient. Actually, I take that back - one night is too long. I'd like you to leave as soon as we're done getting busy. I will give you one of those phony hugs on your way out the door though to show that I'm not a complete ill-mannered heathen. Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about the women I've seen on here so far!

Ok ladies, if I read one more description where the woman mentions that she "looks great dressed up or dressed down", I think I'm going to pull my hair out of my head. Please, no more generic cliches, it really makes me nauseous. Here are a few more cliches I've seen on here. If you have any of these listed in your profile then rewrite it immediately and say something original.

1. "I'm on here because I'm tired of the bar scene" or "just too busy for regular dating" (translation: I'm on here because I'm desperate and lonely as hell and cry myself to sleep at night. We all know it's lame to be on this site, but there's no point in trying to make excuses for being here.)
2. "I have a great family and friends." (Honestly, you'd probably be a far more interesting person if you came from a broken home or were one of those feral children raised by wolves.)
3. "I have a really good sense of humor." (Whenever anyone says something like this they inevitably don't)
4. "I'm just like Samantha from "Sex in the City" (or any of the women in that awful show). (No comment necessary.)
5. "I work hard and I play hard." (Translation: I'm a bore and that's why I'm on here)
6. "I'm a huge (insert any NY sports team here) fan." Sounds more like you're just saying that because you think that's what guys want to hear. Trust me - we don't. Another cliche along the same lines is posting a picture of yourself outside Yankee Stadium in your Derek Jeter jersey.
7. Referencing "Sleepless in Seattle" in your profile anywhere should get you banned for life from all dating sites. This tired, beaten-up, lame, old cliche never seems to go away. Along the same lines referencing "When Harry Met Sally", "You've got mail" or any Jon Cusak movie should also get you banned.
8. The word "soulmate" appears in your profile. (Even worse if you spell it "solemate")
9. "I like long walks on the beach." (I've yet to see a profile without this one)
10. "I love going out but also like to stay home and cuddle to a good movie". (Yawn)
11. "I love to laugh." (Really? No way!!! That's so cool! That is very unusual and is a trait that separates you from the rest of humanity. Congratulations! No one has ever written that on here before!!!)
12. "I'm looking for someone to join me and explore all the wonderful things this city has to offer." (You might want to consider getting a tour guide instead of being on a dating site. There are lots of tour guides out of work right now who I'm sure would LOVE your business and you'd be helping the economy!)
13. "I think more like a guy." (Great! Then it should be very easy to get down your pants!)
14. "I'm looking for someone to grow old with." (Creepy!!! Ummm.. you're on an internet dating site. For now, why don't you just settle for a dude who will meet you for a quick drink rather than worry about 50 years from now.)
15. Your screen name here has the word "bella" in it.
16. You have a photo or photos with that ridiculous "puckered lips" pose. It's unbelievable to me that people take pictures where they try and look like a duck. (How did this horrible trend start and how do we stop it?)
17. "I'm looking for a guy who can show me that chivalry isn't dead." (It is dead. It died a long time ago. Maybe if you were born in England in the middle ages you could've been that "princess" looking for her "knight" or "prince" and live happily ever after in your castle, but for now you really need to wake up and see reality.)
18. Your profile is littered with "street talk". Examples are "holla back" or "don't get it twisted". (This type of slang is poisoning the language and spreading like a cancer. Those of us with an education and respect for the English language need to do all we can before it further deteriorates.)


More to come...

First Date
Burger King. But your limited to three items from the dollar menu only. (You're welcome of course to purchase any additional items for yourself.) After that we both get totally wasted, so wasted in fact that we call out the wrong names while we're getting it on. And then I sneak out and you never hear from me again!!!

Now, I am well aware that my profile on that site is something of a joke. I am really not interested in online dating, other than for people's entertainment by way of this blog. And I really do have to give this douche bag (who I will refer to as DB from here on out) credit for taking the "joke" dating profile to the extreme and outright mocking the stupidity on that site. However, DB ran afoul of my hair trigger with this:

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/7/2011 10:18:06 PM Subject: hey stupid

you look like a guy (And you look like a pencil dicked, cocky, pathetic pussy who needs his momma to tell him how to live his life because he is too fucking retarded to figure it out on his own. I can wear a wig, slap on some make-up and tuck myself into a hot dress and look like more of a woman than you'd EVER be able to handle. You on the other hand, will forever be a pathetic emotionally stunted fucktard to tried to feel manly by mocking people who are better than you could ever DREAM to be.)

From: Hooli-Gin
Sent Date:10/7/2011 10:23:18 PM Subject: RE:hey stupid

and your point is what and I should give a fuck why?

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/7/2011 10:27:44 PM Subject: RE:RE:hey stupid

find any dates yet? lol (Probably more than you EVER will. And I am on here as a joke!)

From: Hooli-Gin
Sent Date:10/7/2011 10:33:13 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:hey stupid

why should you care? lol. perhaps I'm just on this site to write a blog for the amusement of of my friends about dealing with a bunch of pathetic keyboard tough guys who run their mouths to make themselves feel tough.

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/8/2011 9:14:59 PM Subject: Hi

Ummm... aren't you a little bit old to be into fake wrestling? I used to watch that when I was like 10 years old. The only adults who watch that sh*tare white trash who sit home in their trailer parks and probably find it entertaining. Everyone else just thinks it's stupid. Besides, no one watches that sh*tanymore since MMA came around. (I haven't watched that shit except when I am FORCED TO in about 7 years. And I am sure those trailer park white trash people have a better grasp on using this amazing thing called a space bar then this jackass does.)

From: Hooli-Gin
Sent Date:10/8/2011 9:26:47 PM Subject: RE:Hi

you really need a hobby. seriously. what has caused this fixation with me? what, do you need a chick to insult you so you can finally feel like a man when you get to retaliate? I'm very curious about this because abnormal psychology is something of a pet hobby.

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/8/2011 9:28:25 PM Subject: RE:RE:Hi

I just making fun of losers. I always have and I always will. its nothing that deep. when I see a loser I say so... (Wow... It must suck to be you every morning then.

From: Hooli-Gin
Sent Date:10/8/2011 9:53:16 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi

lol. you are truly pathetic. just another keyboard cowboy who needs to run their mouth to stroke your ego. go kill yourself. make the world a much happier place.

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/8/2011 9:55:21 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi

I'll kill myself. But first I want to go watch some fake wrestling on TV. Time for you to face the fact that you are a LOSER. But I suspect you're already perfectly aware of that. (Hmmmmmm... I'm a loser, you are a 40-year old, illiterate douche bag who apparently doesn't fully READ people's profiles and that therefore makes you FAR more of a loser than I ever could be. Plus, this was all on a Saturday night. He is on his computer Saturday night, supposedly in NYC. I at least was at work. I wonder if he was catching up on Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives. They seem right up his alley as a whiny little m.)

From: Hooli-Gin
Sent Date:10/8/2011 9:59:30 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi

gee... I'm not the one sitting at home behind a computer on a Saturday night running my mouth to some chick who is far out of my league. tell you what. come down to my bar and run your mouth to my face, that is if you aren't too much of a pussy. oh wait... my bad. that's exactly what you are. a pussy.

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/8/2011 10:01:32 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi

i'm not a ****.. I know how to fake wrestle!! lol.. And I don't know where your bar is.. oh wait a minute.. I can just follow the smell of rotten fish and septic tank and it will lead me right to you. (Ohhhhhhhhhhh.... you are SOOOOOOOOO creative. you said I smell like fish. I'm going to run home crying to my mommy. Bwah-hahahahahahaha! That is so middle school)

From: Hooli-Gin
Sent Date:10/8/2011 10:11:11 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi

no sweetie... that smell would lead you to staten island. lol. and I didn't just wrestle. I also do mixed martial arts. so these string of emails are over. I have no time to deal with a pathetic pussy who needs to insult people to feel like a man. but given your appearance I can understand why you need to hide behind your computer. I'd rather masturbate with a rusty cheese grater than be anywhere near someone like you.

From: nycareadude2005
Sent Date:10/8/2011 10:13:29 PM Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi

I've been doing bjj for 5 years (If it wasn't for the fact I was tired of dealing with this troll ass mother fucker, my reply was going to be, "Yeah, I'm sure you've been giving bj's for 5 years. I'm also pretty sure you haven't had sex that you didn't have to pay for in at least twice that long.)

::shakes head:: Apparently there is this whole tactic to basically insult a girl to force her to defend herself to you (nope I didn't know it either until I read this Shmitten Kitten). Than GOD one of Ms. Kitten's commenters explained the entire rather twisted practice:

Ooookay. . . Anyway, regarding the post, you're right, this IS a method talked about in pick-up books. It's called a "neg" and the idea is it 1) makes the approacher stand out because they're not using some standard pick-up line or a random compliment and 2) puts you out of your comfort zone and makes you feel like you have to defend/prove yourself to this person. So instead of being a random guy trying to prove he's worth your time, the neg puts the onus on you, unconsciously, to prove that you're worth his time. It's a cheap, manipulative trick that is not limited to dating situations--think of any social encounter where someone tries to assert dominance, even with teases or little insults, and you'll see the same process. It works more than it should, not because women like assholes, but because we're all social creatures that want to be liked. That's also why these cheap tricks work more than they should.
Re: women liking assholes, though, there's actually data that addresses that question and, SHOCK!, they don't! There's a nice run-down of an OK Cupid blog post about effective words in emails here that closes with a bit about negs: http://pandagon.net/index.php/site/comments/women_like_politeness_being_treated_like_humans_news_at_11/

Hmmmmmmmmmmm... Guess that was why DB suddenly put in a normal conversation piece when I told him I was done. Too late... now his douche baggery is public knowledge.