Annnnnnnnnnnd... We're back!

I really though this blog was done and over with the minute I started dating someone. Of course I started getting nervous when he started talking forever after a week but hey... stranger things have happened. And... they did. I was no longer a person, I became almost a possession. Now I have apparently become some sort of tasty SNACK!

Subject: Hi
From: d****9
Sent Date: 10/6/2011 9:33:59 AM

U look extremely yummy!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

1) If you are going to send me a freaking FOUR WORD message, at least make sure everything you write is a WORD, not a letter. Really it makes you look stupid when you don't write in proper English.

2) WTF would possess someone to send a message like that????? I've never heard from this jackass before (and I really don't want to hear from him again) so a bit more of an initial hello would be fucking A-MAZE-ZING! Or even tell me your goddamn NAME. Christ... Even an explanation of WHY I look so damn yummy to him would be an improvement.

3) What the hell am I supposed to say in return? "Gee thanks! When I am PMS'ing, I also come in Dorito's Nacho Cheese flavor or chocolate covered pretzel. A low fat version is coming soon"?!?

Seriously... I have not had enough sleep OR coffee to deal with this level of stupidity

You are a douche bag if...

I really thought this blog was done and over with. I have basically given up on dating, but for some stupid reason yesterday while I was at Mel's I logged back onto Plenty of Freaks. Earlier today I received this message:

From: Quantized1970 Sent Date:6/8/2011 1:01:22 PM

Subject: Hi

You should have ur headline say if you like whack jobs

This is his profile:

Quantized1970 : ISO Good Woman

City	Pittston Pennsylvania		Smoker?	No
Sign	Leo		Ethnicity	Caucasian with Brown hair
Height	6' 2" (188 cm)		Body Type	Average
Age	40 year old Man		Religion	Christian - other
Relationship	N/A		Chemistry	N/A

	Advertise On Plentyoffish

Send a Quick Message!

I am Seeking a	Woman		For	Long term
Do you drink?	Socially		Do you want children?	Undecided/Open
Marital Status	Divorced		Do you do drugs?	No
Profession	Business owner		Do you have children?	Yes
Education	Bachelors degree		Do you have a car?	Yes

Relationship

Intent Quantized1970 is actively seeking a relationship.

Relationship History The longest relationship Quantized1970 has been in was over 10 years long.

Interests

Outdoors Travel Live Music Music Guitar MMA Green Building

About Me

I have a kind heart and I'm honest. I'm looking for an independent, respectful, and honest woman that has traditional values. I enjoy travel, live music, guitar, and outdoor activites like fishing, camping and hiking.

First Date

Taco Bell ;)

I have a great appreciation of irony. But to profess a "kind heart" and then send a message like he sent me, screams DOUCHE BAG. I'm again debating sending a link to someone who was a totally uncalled for asshole. I especially like the "I'm looking for an independent, respectful and honest woman that has traditional values". Apparently this douche bag... errrr... I mean really nice guy wouldn't know an independent woman if he tripped over one. *shakes head*

I have to wonder what other amusement awaits me on that freak show dating site.

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers...

"okay so...friens with benefits sexienss?"

"Sorry. I'm not looking for that kind of stuff."

"too bad - i think we could have had fun! ;-) let me know when you wnat me bad enough to change your mind ;-)"

No, I think you are a scumbag, ugly and your spelling & punctuation SUCKS! There is a reason I didn't answer the FIRST time you propositioned me like 2 weeks ago. Actually there are MULTIPLE reasons...

1. As a general rule I don't fuck with married guys. Why? Cause I'd rather not get dragged to court when she divorces your dumb ass! If you are dumb enough to use a DATING SITE to pick up a fuck, then you are also dumb enough not to do ANYTHING to cover your tracks. I will sit in front of that judge and your wife and sell you up the RIVER simply because you were stupid enough to drag me into this. AND you live together! Really... how are you planning on hiding this shit?

2. If you are hitting me up for a "friends with benefits (yeah... benefits for YOU, maybe)" situation, you are hitting OTHER chicks up too. Since we have already established you aren't the brightest crayon in the box, I highly doubt you use ANY sort of protection. And seriously? That thought makes me want to go home, scrub my skin off with steel wool, and then bleach myself.

3. I don't really give a FUCK that you think we'd have fun. I think I should be rich and never have to set foot into a fucking office, or deal with another stupid asshole again! It will be a frigid day in fucking HELL before I would want to be close enough to beat you to death with a with a goddamn Louisville SLUGGER let alone want you bad enough to contact you for a "good time". I'd rather masturbate with a RUSTY CHEESE GRATER!

And yes... I blocked this fucker.

And I ra-a-an, I ran so far a-way-aa!

cluster fuck (plural cluster fucks)

1. (US, UK, military, slang) A confusing or chaotic situation or event, often caused by a failure of communication, an excessive amount of people attempting to accomplish a given task, or a complex environment.

The first facebook status message after the date I had last night: The only way to describe that date starts with the word cluster...

• His profile says he is 6'. he is actually about 5'6 or shorter (I towered over him! It was ridiculous. I SHOULD NOT be able to easily drape my arms over your shoulders).
• According to his profile PICTURES he is a jacked Jersey-Shore Italian, diamond earrings and all (amazingly something I'm ok with). in reality he is a chunky fucking Irish dude (again, something I am ok with. But don't advertise yourself as something when reality will come crashing in quite quickly and I'll know you are fucking lying)!
• He was buzzed/drunk when I got there. He was wrecked when we left (I completely understand dating is stressful. However, when you are trying to make a good first impression, this is NOT how you do it).
• He almost got into TWO fights, and spent the night doing the tough guy posturing (the problem is, the 2 guys he almost got into a with didn't want anything to do with it. And I could have beaten these guys in heels & a short skirt. What caused one of the near fights? Some guys sat down on the bar stool we had been holding for a friend of mine we happened to run into. I was perfectly ok standing... But he would just NOT let it go! I want to have fun on a date, not try to get some jackass with beer muscles to calm down and stop being a douche bag.).
• He wanted me to come home with him so he can give me a "back massage" or at least have a glass of ice tea (I seriously had to say no about 15 times. I don't like repeating myself. That leads me to believe you are either not listening or don't care what I think. And I am not going to set FOOT into a house of someone that may or may not be fucking psycho).
• We ran into a friend of mine and her friend, he ended up lecturing Gata (my friend's friend) on how she needs to get her life together, and dump her boyfriend. THEN he started crying, ran off to the bathroom to "compose himself", and then texted me about how I needed to mark his words, we are going to lose Gata within the month (WE will not be losing her to suicide. Jail perhaps, when she stabs you in the eye with a FORK {that ones for you Mer} but not suicide. Not to mention, there is no WE! There is no US! When you start scaring my friends this is a relationship that is going no where. And did I mention he started CRYING!?!) .
• He asked me if I was bi (which I am) then wanted me to go pick up some chick even tho I REPEATEDLY said that I keep that shit separate. I don't do both at the same time (Really. That to me causes needless drama, and I am just not doing that! We are not going to have a three-some. At this rate we are not even going to have a TWO-SOME! I don't need to sleep with you and then have you crying afterward about how special it was. I will end up with my own 48-Hours Mysteries special if you do that.).
• He SUGGESTED what I should wear jeans and boots (as in HEELS, AFTER I repeatedly said I don't wear heels that much during the winter. He looked me up and down and said "You would have looked perfect if you'd actually worn the heels like I wanted". I think this was the 14th time that the voices in my head started arguing and doing a cost-benefit analysis on whether the jail term would be worth it if I killed him.) after telling me that we were going to a nice sports bar so I needed to make sure I actually dress appropriately (I went to school for fucking fashion design and I am 31 years old. I CERTAINLY think I know how to dress. In fact, I get compliments all the time on how well I dress... I am not particularly flashy, I prefer not to wear super tight clothing, everything I own is good quality, I dress for my size, shape and AGE! And this could have gone a lot better if he had said "Idk if you have ever been there, but ******* is a pretty nice Irish sports bar and restaurant." Oh, and by the way... he was in a tee-shirt and jeans. Certainly not the way he initially made this place sound!)

Needless to say... I DOUBT this will be going any further. Because really dear readers, I love you all but I will NOT subject myself to any more torture than i have to for your reading enjoyment.

Cause I did it MY way...

I got this group of messages from someone I'd been seeing in May and who sat there basically insulting me when I shaved my head (as you recall, I didn't shave my head because I WANTED to, my HAIR was falling out). Unfortunately, Plenty of Freaks refuses to give me the messages I sent in reply. The replies were probably there for a bit, but I have been so focused this week on working with the rest of the amazing people who showed up to shield an American hero's family from those jackasses at the WBC, that I didn't bother to copy and paste this conversation until today.

From: j********8
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 1/17/2011 6:23:54 PM


mygod i finally found ya on this sh*tsite lol, i lost my phone and my contatcs hun, how u been and y havent u text me :( (Gee... 1. I didn't text you because you flat out said to me you HATE chicks with really short after I shaved my head. 2. You had a blackberry, and if you didn't sync it with your computer, you are fucking retarded. 3. It has been 7 months. I am not THAT hard to find so I call bullshit. Instead I kept it civil. I am firm believer in keeping myself under firm control in situations like this.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 1:55:48 PM


U SHOULD HAVE DATED ME :( U JUST STOPPED TALKING TO ME AND FIGURED U DIDNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH ME, AND IM SORRY U WENT THREW ALL THAT MESS, IVE BEEN DATEING SOME REAL WACKOES LATLY BUT NOTHING SERIOUS OR ANYTHING TO BRING HOME TO MOM, (Really. I should have dated you?!? Perhaps you should have mentioned that BEFORE you had insulted me. Actually, you told me you didn't WANT to date anyone and THEN treated me like shit because I shaved my head so I felt better about myself and stopped obsessively pulling my hair out. So fuck off and stop rose coloring everything between us. I saw you... twice, and I had a CHANCE to meet your parents and you chose to hustle me out of their house.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:06:48 PM


AWSOME, I STOPPED DRINKING AND GAVE UP CIGS 6 MONTHS AGO, U NEED MY BIG OLE****AGAIN LOL, THAT WILL MAKE U BETTER :) (At this point I'd told him I'd stopped drinking and stopped smoking, and was training for a half marathon. And I believe I had mentioned the holding pattern I was in with the Biker Boy. Oh... and I mentioned the fact that I am not a particular fan of being touched right about now.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:19:37 PM


O WOW, AND THAT SWEIRD, U USED TO LOVE WHEN I TOUCHD YA, BUT U DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN HUN, I UNDERSTAND :( (You're right, I don't have to explain. But I did try. I am unbelievably stressed and I've been through a lot recently. What I chose not to tell him was that I decided, after receiving the 10-page long totally nasty email from my former best friend, that I am just going to focus on myself, improving where I am physically, mentally & emotionally. And I also decided that I was going to get rid of my "drug of choice" which was focusing on my friends problems and completely fucked lives so I don't have to worry about fixing my own life.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:42:52 PM


OK HUN, SORRY IF I BOTHERED U THEN (I made the mistake of trying to assure him that it was nothing to do with him, and that it had everything to do with the shit I was put through by that douche bag I dated from MD and generally was trying to get my life together. And THIS is what I received...)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:57:20 PM


JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GIRL I KNOW OR TALK TO, ITS COOL, I WONT BOTHER U ANYMORE I GET THE HINT (I chose NOT to reply, even though there was NOTHING I wanted more than to BLAST him for treating me like shit then expecting me to come RUNNING back when shit with south with whom ever it was that he was banging! Dude... Seriously. I really don't think that this would even be an issue. The only reason I put up with Biker Boy's bullshit for the past 6 months is because I was truly HAPPY when I was with him. I never felt self conscious, in fact, BB made me feel like I was the hottest girl he'd ever seen. My only issue with him is that I feel like I will never actually be his girlfriend, and honestly? I am going to concentrate on whatever it takes to make me happy. Right now, just being me, and doing my own thing makes me happy.)

"No matter where I stand... I'm alone"

(Sorry. TOTAL Manowar moment, anyhow...) I got this in a message (the ONLY thing in the message actually) onPlenty of Freaks. While dude gets mad creativity points, he loses all of them (and then some) to the fact he looks like a 70's era wanna be Burt Reynold's dressed up like a sort of scary suburban cowboy and due to the content of the poem (or what EVER the fuck this thing is!?!).

Let me take you hold your body in my arms
Kissing those tender lips long and deep
Can you Feel my passion rise
Let us make love all through the night
Quickly decide, we must not waste a minute of time
Deftly remove all my clothes
Slowly I begin to caress your soft skin
My fingertips start to wander
Feeling the softness of you
Those tender breasts draw my fingers to them
Touching and stroking them
Covering your body with kisses
Over the curve of the breasts
Slowly reaching the nipples peak
Sucking with greedy abandon
The heat of our bodies rapidly rising
Breathing starts to increase
Panting harder wanting you now
Your body inviting
Moulding itself into mine
Thighs parted anticipating
Requesting my body’s presence
Obligingly I settle between them
Connecting to you
So slowly at first bodies moving in time
Reaching deeper into the depths of passion
Increasing the rate of heated attack
Faster rapier like movements
Lust consuming us both
Animalistic instincts taking over
Both wanting our own pleasure
Minds blocked to all other thoughts
Oh the passion
Faster we ride our primeval lust
Peaking explosively together
Tasted the essence of passion
Screaming my name in orgasm
Your body bucks with mine
We are as one, engulfed in each other greyicewolf

And PLEASE allow me to note, since I hadn't actually bothered to read all of that until i was formatting the blog... That shit reads like a bad Romance NOVEL! Really... there is NOTHING romantic or sexy about that. Maybe if it was hand-written in a super romantic setting, MAYBE! By some strange guy on the creepiest dating site since Ashley Madison? Yeah... not so much!

"love isn't blind....it's retarded."

(Apparently, that quote is from Two and a Half Men. Pookie posted it as her status, and well... I have no song lyrics or movie quotes that fit this occasion better than that.)

Unfortunately, most of my interactions on PoF has consisted of the following steps:

1. Receiving an email notification
2. Logging on
3. Reading a message that consists of "hi sexi"
4. Sighing in exasperation
5. Hitting Delete

I did get one set of messages from a guy from LA that seemed to have a lot of potential. More on that in another blog though. The Biker Boy decided to pop back into my life (I'd love to say more on this matter but I'm simply out of words in regards to THAT clusterfuck. I had a "nightmare" about him where he got all pissed because I was happier to see his dog than him. I believe that says it all!). Buti is still providing brilliant advice (Sometimes you have to look someone in the eye and say "Fuck You" instead of "Thank You"), and I have realized yet again: perhaps I need to adopt some birds and stay single (any guy I date will have to put up with my boys and... well... my boys are a bunch of fucking roughnecks. I actually commented to one guy friend that I have gotten nervous because my life is starting to resemble Boondock Saints!).

I had begun to despair for the blog (cause really... there is nothing interesting going on in my life) and then I received:
I'm new here and profile isn't
finished but wanted to say hi.

This may sound weird, but I've
always been interested in
bondage and I'm looking for
someone who would be interested
in experiencing being tied up I
could practice with.

I'm not looking for sex, just
bondage practice.

IF this sounds potentially
interesting to you, let me know!

I'd love to chat!

Otherwise, take care and I
apologize if you find this
message offensive.

Now... before I go any further, allow me to note this guy was HOT. As an added benefit he was in uniform and can even use proper grammar (all of these things are obviously pluses). However, I am NOT going to let someone I've met on what HAS to be the creepiest dating site in HISTORY practice tying me up (I've seen this torture porn! I KNOW HOW IT ENDS!)! There is a level of trust needed for stuff like that, and considering I don't even know dude's NAME I'm a bit nervous about all that. Needless to say, I very politely declined and explained I am not going to let someone I neither know nor trust tie me up to practice at "bondage".

*sigh*

Btw, I'm more indignant about the "not looking for sex" part than the actual message. lol. Because that screams of "Really... I want to tie you up, torture you, and kill you. But you are disgusting and you couldn't pay me enough to want to sleep with you". Shit like that damages a girl's ego.