I want my life back...

Over the past couple months I have found myself getting sicker and sicker again, and it is unbelievably frustrating. I didn't think I'd be back in this position, especially not so soon. Medicine isn't working very well, and every idea we have about what is wrong is scarier than the previous idea. And it sucks. I quit smoking. I've tried getting healthier and my heart proceeds to kick my legs out from under me. This blog is usually happy bright and cheery (ok... its sarcastic and bitchy but whatever! My blog. Fuck you!) but I feel the need to repost a blog I wrote about a year ago...

The person who changed my life...

In everyone’s life, there is always someone who completely changes your live. Sometimes it’s immediately upon meeting them, other times it takes a while before their impact is felt. In my case, this person changed my life not once, but twice. He not only changed how I worked in wrestling within hours of meeting him, he also changed how I thought about things years later.

I originally met Diamond Dallas Page four or five years ago, back when all I wanted in my life was to wrestle. Not only wrestle, but to make my trainers proud when they saw me in the ring. I was given the honor of picking Dallas up at a horror convention, not only because I tend to be exceedingly clueless about “names” in the wrestling business, but also because I could care less if someone is “famous”. Fame doesn’t mean anything; it’s the type of person you are that is important.

During the couple hours I spend with Dallas, driving to and from the horror con and at the ECW arena, I was fortunate enough to talk to him about a myriad of different topics. Not only did I get tips on wrestling from one of the best in the business, but Dallas and I also had an extended conversation about something else we had in common (that I never would have guessed)… Yoga. More specifically, we talked about YRG (Yoga for Regular Guys). At that point I was under the mistaken belief that yoga was yoga. Dallas was so insistent and passionate about his form of yoga that I found myself promising I’d try the dvd’s when they were released. I was also fascinated by Dallas’ idea of “Living Life at 90%”.

Months later, after much obsessive checking of his website, the dvd’s were released and I immediately ordered the 3-dvd set (I still have the envelope they came in). The day they arrived I popped in the 15-minute dvd, thinking it would be a good, quick, easy stretch before wrestling practice. God, was I wrong. That 15-minute dvd kicked my ass, and I’d been doing yoga for 5 or 6 years at that point. It became the work-out dvd I recommended to EVERYONE because I had muscles hurting I’d NEVER felt before.

Years passed, I left the wrestling business, started building a life build on a different set of hopes & dreams and occasionally received Dallas’ email blasts. I was fascinated watching someone I consider a true “Jersey Boy” & wrestler change people’s perceptions of yoga. I especially got a kick out of seeing Dallas with our troops. Occasionally, I got my memory jogged when he mentioned “Living Life at 90%” and thinking back to the opportunity I was given to learn from an amazing wrestler and incredible yogi.

And then my world as I knew it was shattered…

In the space of what felt like a matter of weeks, I went from being active and athletic, to being trapped in a body that was failing me with no explanation on why. As many times as I had joked that I have no heart, I found out I did have a heart when, at barely 29 years old, it started failing me. On a good day, I’d feel multiple little flutters that I could push through it. On a bad day, I could be sitting and would “grey out”. I would dread the flights of stairs getting to and from work, in my office building and especially at my house. I use to bound up stairs, but at my worst point I was practically crawling up the stairs.

As the weeks tuned into months, and a diagnosis seemed to get further away with every doctors appointment, I began to lose hope that I would ever get better. At my absolute lowest, I’d reached the point that I was praying one of the arrhythmias would kill me. I could not see why I should continue fighting and trying to go on, when I was constantly being told I was crazy and the heart problems were all in my head. I knew I wasn’t crazy, and I definitely could feel the stutters and racing of my heart (paying attention to my body was something I learned from yoga), but after about the third or fourth doctor telling me there was nothing wrong I started questioning my own sanity. Add to that a feeling that no one really got what I was going through (I’d had friends try to draw parallels to everything from heart burn to pulled muscles, which all go away not get progressively worse), and I was not a pleasant person to deal with.

I received one of Dallas’ emails and something caught my attention (and gave me a mental kick in the ass I needed). Dallas was talking about “Living Life at 90%” again, but the difference was, this time I went to his website and tried to find as much as possible about it. It had been years and my memory was a bit foggier than I care to admit due to what can only be classified as a deep depression. Unfortunately, everything he had was videos and I wasn’t able to watch them at work. The reasonable response to that is “Well, watch them at home”, but by that time I was sleeping like a cat because my energy was spent by the time I got back to my house. So I did the next best thing. I messaged Dallas on MySpace, explained how we met, gave him a brief rundown about what was happening and asked him if he could post some stuff about “Living Life at 90%” on MySpace. Honestly, I didn’t think Dallas was actually running the MySpace, and I highly doubted I’d get any sort of response. Boy was I wrong…

I got a reply less than 24 hours later and I still to this day have it saved in my inbox. Dallas very kindly sending me a copy of his “Own Your Life” cd (that apparently now is included in the YRG set) and while I was very doubtful anything would be able to help me, I figured I’d give it a listen. The day I got the cd, I was attempting to get enough energy to start repainting my bathroom, so I put it in my cd player and hoped I’d manage to at least start cutting in the edges. By the time the cd was over I’d not only finished the cutting in, I’d painted most of the bathroom. I was starting to believe “Own Your Life” could help me at least a little bit. I’d promised Dallas I’d keep him posted on how everything was and if “Own Your Life” helped me.

For a month, that cd didn’t leave my car, and I’d also put it on my mp3 player for my trips to and from work on the train. In fact, the cd was in my car when I went to the appointment with the first cardiac specialist. After 2 appointments, I was completely distraught after being accused of being a drug addict and faker, then finally listened to when I almost passed out when driving. In less than a month, I went from “crazy” to needing immediate heart surgery that may or may not actually help me. I was not comfortable with the situation, and especially with the doctor, so I in a lot of ways subconsciously applied some of the things I’d learned from Dallas. I hadn’t trained myself yet to be able to control my reactions to situations and I barely started to change my outlook on my life. I spoke to people I trusted and made the decision to get a second opinion before I allowed a doctor I hated to shove a six foot long tube up my femoral artery.

It is now almost a year after I’d first emailed Dallas. I know what’s wrong with my heart, I know it can never be fixed, but it can to some extent be controlled by medication and life style changes. Every day is a struggle to adapt to a life that is completely different than anything I’d foreseen for myself. Some days are fine, some are a little bit harder when it comes to my heart. I still tire extremely easily, but now I don’t fight it. I know I’ll have bad days, but I try to concentrate on and look forward to the good days.

The one thing I have heard over and over since my life changed is “I can’t believe how positive of a attitude you have”, especially when people realize the battle I have been fought over the past year. There are things that happen which are completely out of my control and all I can do is control my reaction to them. I started controlling my reactions to things by trying to remember 2 things when everything seems to be going wrong (not quite DDP-isms but way easier for me to remember than “Control your breath” in a pinch): “Fuck It” and “Just let it ride”. I also stopped regretting when things don’t go the way I think they should.

On the long journey of life, that I restarted with a better attitude the day I receive “Own Your Life” from Dallas, I know there will be missteps, and there will be more adversity. But I look forward to facing those trials head on because I know in my heart, that even if I can’t control what happens to me, I can control how I react and how I breathe. I’ve realized so many important lessons in the process of growing from that one simple request for help. Every day I have tried to help others the way I was helped. My only “regret” with this life changing gift I was given was that it has taken a year to finally put to words what Dallas gave me by sending me that cd, but I hope that my hindsight on everything I gained makes up for my previous lack of words.

Hopefully, every step I take, slowly making my heart and mind stronger, is one step closer to being able to do YRG with Dallas next time he is in New Jersey, hopefully one step closer to going head to head with him on 10-second push-ups and one more day when I OWN MY LIFE…