Yoohoo. I'll make you famous!...

(Sorry... I had to use the Young Guns II reference)

Dear Santa,

I know its been years since I've written you, probably almost 25 years actually, BUT PLEASE don't let a quarter of a century of no communication (and the fact that you were actually my mother) stand in the way of helping me with what I so very badly need! You see... I don't have the money for plastic surgery to make myself more attractive. Please don't write me back with a bunch of Glamor Magazine platitudes about how its whats on the INSIDE that counts and that I will find someone who loves me for who I am not what I look like!

I am ugly. Hideous actually! I desperately need liposuction on my entire body to get rid of all the saddle bags and spare tires and rolls and folds I have from not being able to work out because of my heart problems. Even though I am a 36DD, I need a boob job because they HAVE to be BIGGER AND BETTER AND STRONGER AND FASTER (If you can throw in some tailored shirts for me to cram those bad girls into, and some tee-shirts too that won't get all weird looking that would be fucking AWESOME cause I have enough trouble finding shirts as a 36DD!)!!!!!!! I should be a blond too. With long Pam Anderson type hair, that I can throw over my shoulder as I giggle and simper. Oh! I need a new face too... Maybe like Sophia Loren? No, wait, she's striking, not classically beautiful. Princess Diana? Nope. She wasn't classically beautiful either. Perhaps like Gene Tierney. She is the most classically beautiful woman I can think of, at least right off hand. And make me dumber and needier. Guys don't like girls that are smart and independent, as much as they may complain otherwise.

Believe me, I know I will no longer be me, with the totally crooked nose from when I got jumped in Trenton 10 years ago by nine guys because I refused to back the fuck down when I knew I was in the rights. The crazy hair that seems to defy EVERY stylists attempts to tame it (but that I've learned to love because it takes a LOT of abuse). The body that went through 7+ years of abuse in wrestling & MMA and is still trying to defy a heart that is slowly failing me. And I don't need to be intelligent and self-sufficient, even though both are traits I value and have helped me get through all lot of shit in my life. I don't need to have more balls than brains, because everything will be done FOR me.

You see... I'd rather be the PERFECT, MOST BEAUTIFUL TROPHY than be a strong, independent, striking (I know I will never be classically beautiful which automatically makes me a failure at life) woman. It is too difficult for me to continue inflicting my unattractiveness on people. I am at my wits end.

Please Santa, you are my ONLY HOPE (if you can get rid of the geeky Star Wars references I always make too, that would be bangin'. Seriously, no one likes a geek)!

With Warmest Wishes and Deepest Sarcasm,
Melissa

irony (usually uncountable; plural ironies)

1. A statement that, when taken in context, may actually mean something different from, or the opposite of what is written literally; the use of words expressing something other than their literal intention, notably as a form of humor.
2. (colloquial) The quality or state of an event being both coincidental and contradictory in a humorous or poignant and extremely improbable way.
3. Dramatic irony: a theatrical effect in which the meaning of a situation, or some incongruity in the plot, is understood by the audience, but not by the characters in the play.
4. Ignorance feigned for the purpose of confounding or provoking an antagonist; Socratic irony.

As I was wandering around Plenty of Fish (I'd LOVE to hack that site and change the name to Plenty of Scumbags however, be that as it may...) I stumbled across this profile Tattooedschmuck. Considering how tired I am of interacting with a bunch of guidos who think they are gods gift, I was pretty thrilled about seeing the following:
About Me
Does anyone really read this? Probably not. This sight is based on visual assumptions. If you look at me, and think i look good, ill get a response. If i dont meet your high standards of visual perfection, i get ignored. its pretty cut and dry. So, if you wanna know about me, and get to know me as a person, YOU write me.

That hits on one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves of PoF. I actually READ peoples profiles, because I prefer to KNOW something about people before I both messaging them. And judging from a LOT of people I have dated, I am not particularly worried so much about how "hot" the person is as whether they are a good person. I've met enough "hotties" both male and female in the wrestling business who are complete and total asshats, that I am not particularly interested in with that bullshit. I live a drama free life because I would rather not land my ass in the hospital. Since this guy did mention something that bothers me about PoF, I thought I'd send him a message even though I usually don't message people. I tend to be far too shy to say anything, and the douche bag quotient on that site is AMAZING. There is also that small fact that I am TOTALLY not interested in DATING this guy (I do have someone special in my life, thank you very much) but I thought he would be cool to bullshit with, as he seems to have a fairly cutting sense of humor like the majority of my friends do.

The gist of my message was that not everyone on the site goes strictly by pictures and I just felt the need to defend those that don't fall under his sweeping generalization. Unfortunately, I sent the message from my phone and it doesn't save it to my outbox, which would have been nice. Especially when I received this reply this morning:
thats touching, really. youre also not the slightest bit attractive. thanks for wasting my time.

The reply I am probably never going to send because it is JUST not worth it to me, but was still EXTREMELY fucking fun to write anyway.
So, let me get this shit straight...

1. You are a fucking HYPOCRITE, in so much as you invite people to message you "if you wanna know about me, and get to know me as a person" if they think you look good (btw, clearer pictures may help a girl make that decision, but it didn't really matter to me since I am not out trolling for a fuck), but then turn around and insult them. You are no better than those you revile. In fact... you are probably WORSE than they are since they don't turn around and attack people needlessly.
2. You insulted me while slaughtering most rules on proper grammar (which I find FAR more offensive than the fact you find me "not the slightest bit attractive", cause honestly according to most of your pictures you have no desire to let people see you up close which means the same thing to me).
3. You thank me for wasting your time when *GASP* PoF has this delightful feature where you can delete messages without reading them. I know. It's fucking novel. Additionally, at no point did you actually NEED to reply to me. You CHOSE to waste not only YOUR time but my time as well by sending that completely uncalled for reply to something that was meant to be light-hearted.
4. Thank you for living down to your name... you truly are a schmuck in the BASEST sense of the word.

Enjoy your continued search on Plenty of Fish, I truly hope you manage to find that perfect little trophy you are looking for. Unfortunately... those girls are few and far between on this or any other dating site as most of them have already attached themselves to people who are far wealthier than most of us "unattractive" losers will ever be. Namesta!

Btw... these are his pictures for reference: