Adventures In Dating: 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Now I sense a destiny: your ass and my size 12. (ok... its a 9 but whatever)

The time has come to ask you 'have we met'?
We must have from the way you talk shit on the internet.
Saying things I never knew about myself.
Now I sense a destiny: your ass and my size 12.
I know that you're the guy to spread said lies.
I've seen it in Helvetica right before my eyes.
And I heard it from the east, west, north, and south.
Let's see how you talk shit with a steel toe in your mouth.
Run like a bitch.
So fun to play the righteous one, now you're paying for your sins.
Run like a bitch.
When I catch up with you I'm gonna bash your head right in.
I know you like to let the loose lips flap.
You gossip like a little girl who needs a big bitch-slap.
Saying things whether or not you know them true.
Now you're standing silent when I'm here in front of you.
You're dealing with a person, not a screen.
I'll 'double back slash' your throat and 'delete' your fucking spleen.
And your girlfriend better put away that mace,
Before I have the skinhead girls do a dance upon her face.
You're reaping every stitch the doctor sews.
You're earning yourself missing teeth and a badly broken nose.
'Cause you're the type of bitch-ass that I loathe.
I see you have 2 faces so I'm gonna break them both.
I hope you hold the lesson that you got.
You're better not to speak or type about what you know not.
And when you wake up sore in the morning,
Be sure to remind yourself this was just a warning.
(Hub City Stompers, Chatterbox)

I have been sitting on this blog for well over a month because it pissed me off SO badly, and I was debating whether I actually wanted to acknowledge this guys douche-baggery. And since I was telling my friend Rob (who I actually know from Plenty of Freaks) about this set of messages I figured the time had come to post them. you will notice one odd thing... I did not delete this guys name, and I am putting his profile out there. Why? because it amuses me. So here we go...

This is "Prince Charming's" profile:

nycareadude2005 : I'm the biggest prick you'll ever meet!!
City New York New York
Smoker? No
Sign Virgo
Ethnicity Caucasian with Brown hair
Height 6' 1" (185 cm)
Body Type Athletic
Age 40 year old Man
Religion Buddhist
Relationship N/A
Chemistry View his chemistry results

Send a Quick Message!
I am Seeking a Woman For Hang Out
Do you drink? Socially
Do you want children? Prefer Not To Say
Marital Status Single
Do you do drugs? No
Pets Other Eye
Color Brown
Profession Manager
Do you have children? No
Education Bachelors degree
Do you have a car? Yes

Relationship

Intent nycareadude2005 wants to date but nothing serious.

Relationship History The longest relationship nycareadude2005 has been in was over 3 years long.

Interests

Laughing at people when they trip over the curb

About Me
I'm disgusting, rude, mean, ugly, stupid, uneducated, unemployed, unmotivated, short, fat and bald with bad teeth. All in all, I'm a vomitous human being. I'm the role model for a dysfunctional life and I have absolutely no redeeming social qualities. If I had any friends, they would say that I'm a total ***hole. My mom, however, does say that I'm a great catch! I'm seeking a woman who is really, really stupid and has such low self esteem that she'll turn and look the other way when she catches me cheating on her. I love "drama" and I love to "play games". I also only wear "Ed Hardy" clothing.

I'm seeking a short-term relationship; about one night should be sufficient. Actually, I take that back - one night is too long. I'd like you to leave as soon as we're done getting busy. I will give you one of those phony hugs on your way out the door though to show that I'm not a complete ill-mannered heathen. Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about the women I've seen on here so far!

Ok ladies, if I read one more description where the woman mentions that she "looks great dressed up or dressed down", I think I'm going to pull my hair out of my head. Please, no more generic cliches, it really makes me nauseous. Here are a few more cliches I've seen on here. If you have any of these listed in your profile then rewrite it immediately and say something original.

1. "I'm on here because I'm tired of the bar scene" or "just too busy for regular dating" (translation: I'm on here because I'm desperate and lonely as hell and cry myself to sleep at night. We all know it's lame to be on this site, but there's no point in trying to make excuses for being here.)
2. "I have a great family and friends." (Honestly, you'd probably be a far more interesting person if you came from a broken home or were one of those feral children raised by wolves.)
3. "I have a really good sense of humor." (Whenever anyone says something like this they inevitably don't)
4. "I'm just like Samantha from "Sex in the City" (or any of the women in that awful show). (No comment necessary.)
5. "I work hard and I play hard." (Translation: I'm a bore and that's why I'm on here)
6. "I'm a huge (insert any NY sports team here) fan." Sounds more like you're just saying that because you think that's what guys want to hear. Trust me - we don't. Another cliche along the same lines is posting a picture of yourself outside Yankee Stadium in your Derek Jeter jersey.
7. Referencing "Sleepless in Seattle" in your profile anywhere should get you banned for life from all dating sites. This tired, beaten-up, lame, old cliche never seems to go away. Along the same lines referencing "When Harry Met Sally", "You've got mail" or any Jon Cusak movie should also get you banned.
8. The word "soulmate" appears in your profile. (Even worse if you spell it "solemate")
9. "I like long walks on the beach." (I've yet to see a profile without this one)
10. "I love going out but also like to stay home and cuddle to a good movie". (Yawn)
11. "I love to laugh." (Really? No way!!! That's so cool! That is very unusual and is a trait that separates you from the rest of humanity. Congratulations! No one has ever written that on here before!!!)
12. "I'm looking for someone to join me and explore all the wonderful things this city has to offer." (You might want to consider getting a tour guide instead of being on a dating site. There are lots of tour guides out of work right now who I'm sure would LOVE your business and you'd be helping the economy!)
13. "I think more like a guy." (Great! Then it should be very easy to get down your pants!)
14. "I'm looking for someone to grow old with." (Creepy!!! Ummm.. you're on an internet dating site. For now, why don't you just settle for a dude who will meet you for a quick drink rather than worry about 50 years from now.)
15. Your screen name here has the word "bella" in it.
16. You have a photo or photos with that ridiculous "puckered lips" pose. It's unbelievable to me that people take pictures where they try and look like a duck. (How did this horrible trend start and how do we stop it?)
17. "I'm looking for a guy who can show me that chivalry isn't dead." (It is dead. It died a long time ago. Maybe if you were born in England in the middle ages you could've been that "princess" looking for her "knight" or "prince" and live happily ever after in your castle, but for now you really need to wake up and see reality.)
18. Your profile is littered with "street talk". Examples are "holla back" or "don't get it twisted". (This type of slang is poisoning the language and spreading like a cancer. Those of us with an education and respect for the English language need to do all we can before it further deteriorates.)

More to come...

First Date
Burger King. But your limited to three items from the dollar menu only. (You're welcome of course to purchase any additional items for yourself.) After that we both get totally wasted, so wasted in fact that we call out the wrong names while we're getting it on. And then I sneak out and you never hear from me again!!!

Now, I am well aware that my profile on that site is something of a joke. I am really not interested in online dating, other than for people's entertainment by way of this blog. And I really do have to give this douche bag (who I will refer to as DB from here on out) credit for taking the "joke" dating profile to the extreme and outright mocking the stupidity on that site. However, DB ran afoul of my hair trigger with this:

(And you look like a pencil dicked, cocky, pathetic pussy who needs his momma to tell him how to live his life because he is too fucking retarded to figure it out on his own. I can wear a wig, slap on some make-up and tuck myself into a hot dress and look like more of a woman than you'd EVER be able to handle. You on the other hand, will forever be a pathetic emotionally stunted fucktard to tried to feel manly by mocking people who are better than you could ever DREAM to be.)

(Probably more than you EVER will. And I am on here as a joke!)

(I haven't watched that shit except when I am FORCED TO in about 7 years. And I am sure those trailer park white trash people have a better grasp on using this amazing thing called a space bar then this jackass does.)

(Wow... It must suck to be you every morning then.

(Hmmmmmm... I'm a loser, you are a 40-year old, illiterate douche bag who apparently doesn't fully READ people's profiles and that therefore makes you FAR more of a loser than I ever could be. Plus, this was all on a Saturday night. He is on his computer Saturday night, supposedly in NYC. I at least was at work. I wonder if he was catching up on Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives. They seem right up his alley as a whiny little m.)

(Ohhhhhhhhhhh.... you are SOOOOOOOOO creative. you said I smell like fish. I'm going to run home crying to my mommy. Bwah-hahahahahahaha! That is so middle school)

(If it wasn't for the fact I was tired of dealing with this troll ass mother fucker, my reply was going to be, "Yeah, I'm sure you've been giving bj's for 5 years. I'm also pretty sure you haven't had sex that you didn't have to pay for in at least twice that long.)

::shakes head:: Apparently there is this whole tactic to basically insult a girl to force her to defend herself to you (nope I didn't know it either until I read this Shmitten Kitten). Than GOD one of Ms. Kitten's commenters explained the entire rather twisted practice:

Hmmmmmmmmmmm... Guess that was why DB suddenly put in a normal conversation piece when I told him I was done. Too late... now his douche baggery is public knowledge.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Annnnnnnnnnnd... We're back!

I really though this blog was done and over with the minute I started dating someone. Of course I started getting nervous when he started talking forever after a week but hey... stranger things have happened. And... they did. I was no longer a person, I became almost a possession. Now I have apparently become some sort of tasty SNACK!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

1) If you are going to send me a freaking FOUR WORD message, at least make sure everything you write is a WORD, not a letter. Really it makes you look stupid when you don't write in proper English.

2) WTF would possess someone to send a message like that????? I've never heard from this jackass before (and I really don't want to hear from him again) so a bit more of an initial hello would be fucking A-MAZE-ZING! Or even tell me your goddamn NAME. Christ... Even an explanation of WHY I look so damn yummy to him would be an improvement.

3) What the hell am I supposed to say in return? "Gee thanks! When I am PMS'ing, I also come in Dorito's Nacho Cheese flavor or chocolate covered pretzel. A low fat version is coming soon"?!?

Seriously... I have not had enough sleep OR coffee to deal with this level of stupidity

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

You are a douche bag if...

I really thought this blog was done and over with. I have basically given up on dating, but for some stupid reason yesterday while I was at Mel's I logged back onto Plenty of Freaks. Earlier today I received this message:

From: Quantized1970
Sent Date:6/8/2011 1:01:22 PM

Subject: Hi


You should have ur headline say if you like whack jobs

This is his profile:

Quantized1970 : ISO Good Woman

City	Pittston Pennsylvania	Smoker?	No
Sign	Leo	Ethnicity	Caucasian with Brown hair
Height	6' 2" (188 cm)	Body Type	Average
Age	40 year old Man	Religion	Christian - other
Relationship	N/A	Chemistry	N/A

	Advertise On Plentyoffish

I am Seeking a	Woman	For	Long term
Do you drink?	Socially	Do you want children?	Undecided/Open
Marital Status	Divorced	Do you do drugs?	No
Profession	Business owner	Do you have children?	Yes
Education	Bachelors degree	Do you have a car?	Yes

Relationship

Intent Quantized1970 is actively seeking a relationship.

Relationship History The longest relationship Quantized1970 has been in was over 10 years long.

Interests

Outdoors	Travel	Live Music
Music	Guitar	MMA
Green Building

About Me

I have a kind heart and I'm honest. I'm looking for an independent, respectful, and honest woman that has traditional values. I enjoy travel, live music, guitar, and outdoor activites like fishing, camping and hiking.

First Date

Taco Bell ;)

I have a great appreciation of irony. But to profess a "kind heart" and then send a message like he sent me, screams DOUCHE BAG. I'm again debating sending a link to someone who was a totally uncalled for asshole. I especially like the "I'm looking for an independent, respectful and honest woman that has traditional values". Apparently this douche bag... errrr... I mean really nice guy wouldn't know an independent woman if he tripped over one. *shakes head*

I have to wonder what other amusement awaits me on that freak show dating site.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers...

"okay so...friens with benefits sexienss?"

"Sorry. I'm not looking for that kind of stuff."

"too bad - i think we could have had fun! ;-) let me know when you wnat me bad enough to change your mind ;-)"

No, I think you are a scumbag, ugly and your spelling & punctuation SUCKS! There is a reason I didn't answer the FIRST time you propositioned me like 2 weeks ago. Actually there are MULTIPLE reasons...

1. As a general rule I don't fuck with married guys. Why? Cause I'd rather not get dragged to court when she divorces your dumb ass! If you are dumb enough to use a DATING SITE to pick up a fuck, then you are also dumb enough not to do ANYTHING to cover your tracks. I will sit in front of that judge and your wife and sell you up the RIVER simply because you were stupid enough to drag me into this. AND you live together! Really... how are you planning on hiding this shit?

2. If you are hitting me up for a "friends with benefits (yeah... benefits for YOU, maybe)" situation, you are hitting OTHER chicks up too. Since we have already established you aren't the brightest crayon in the box, I highly doubt you use ANY sort of protection. And seriously? That thought makes me want to go home, scrub my skin off with steel wool, and then bleach myself.

3. I don't really give a FUCK that you think we'd have fun. I think I should be rich and never have to set foot into a fucking office, or deal with another stupid asshole again! It will be a frigid day in fucking HELL before I would want to be close enough to beat you to death with a with a goddamn Louisville SLUGGER let alone want you bad enough to contact you for a "good time". I'd rather masturbate with a RUSTY CHEESE GRATER!

And yes... I blocked this fucker.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

And I ra-a-an, I ran so far a-way-aa!

cluster fuck (plural cluster fucks)

1. (US, UK, military, slang) A confusing or chaotic situation or event, often caused by a failure of communication, an excessive amount of people attempting to accomplish a given task, or a complex environment.

The first facebook status message after the date I had last night: The only way to describe that date starts with the word cluster...

His profile says he is 6'. he is actually about 5'6 or shorter (I towered over him! It was ridiculous. I SHOULD NOT be able to easily drape my arms over your shoulders).
According to his profile PICTURES he is a jacked Jersey-Shore Italian, diamond earrings and all (amazingly something I'm ok with). in reality he is a chunky fucking Irish dude (again, something I am ok with. But don't advertise yourself as something when reality will come crashing in quite quickly and I'll know you are fucking lying)!
He was buzzed/drunk when I got there. He was wrecked when we left (I completely understand dating is stressful. However, when you are trying to make a good first impression, this is NOT how you do it).
He almost got into TWO fights, and spent the night doing the tough guy posturing (the problem is, the 2 guys he almost got into a with didn't want anything to do with it. And I could have beaten these guys in heels & a short skirt. What caused one of the near fights? Some guys sat down on the bar stool we had been holding for a friend of mine we happened to run into. I was perfectly ok standing... But he would just NOT let it go! I want to have fun on a date, not try to get some jackass with beer muscles to calm down and stop being a douche bag.).
He wanted me to come home with him so he can give me a "back massage" or at least have a glass of ice tea (I seriously had to say no about 15 times. I don't like repeating myself. That leads me to believe you are either not listening or don't care what I think. And I am not going to set FOOT into a house of someone that may or may not be fucking psycho).
We ran into a friend of mine and her friend, he ended up lecturing Gata (my friend's friend) on how she needs to get her life together, and dump her boyfriend. THEN he started crying, ran off to the bathroom to "compose himself", and then texted me about how I needed to mark his words, we are going to lose Gata within the month (WE will not be losing her to suicide. Jail perhaps, when she stabs you in the eye with a FORK {that ones for you Mer} but not suicide. Not to mention, there is no WE! There is no US! When you start scaring my friends this is a relationship that is going no where. And did I mention he started CRYING!?!) .
He asked me if I was bi (which I am) then wanted me to go pick up some chick even tho I REPEATEDLY said that I keep that shit separate. I don't do both at the same time (Really. That to me causes needless drama, and I am just not doing that! We are not going to have a three-some. At this rate we are not even going to have a TWO-SOME! I don't need to sleep with you and then have you crying afterward about how special it was. I will end up with my own 48-Hours Mysteries special if you do that.).
He SUGGESTED what I should wear jeans and boots (as in HEELS, AFTER I repeatedly said I don't wear heels that much during the winter. He looked me up and down and said "You would have looked perfect if you'd actually worn the heels like I wanted". I think this was the 14th time that the voices in my head started arguing and doing a cost-benefit analysis on whether the jail term would be worth it if I killed him.) after telling me that we were going to a nice sports bar so I needed to make sure I actually dress appropriately (I went to school for fucking fashion design and I am 31 years old. I CERTAINLY think I know how to dress. In fact, I get compliments all the time on how well I dress... I am not particularly flashy, I prefer not to wear super tight clothing, everything I own is good quality, I dress for my size, shape and AGE! And this could have gone a lot better if he had said "Idk if you have ever been there, but ******* is a pretty nice Irish sports bar and restaurant." Oh, and by the way... he was in a tee-shirt and jeans. Certainly not the way he initially made this place sound!)

Needless to say... I DOUBT this will be going any further. Because really dear readers, I love you all but I will NOT subject myself to any more torture than i have to for your reading enjoyment.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Cause I did it MY way...

I got this group of messages from someone I'd been seeing in May and who sat there basically insulting me when I shaved my head (as you recall, I didn't shave my head because I WANTED to, my HAIR was falling out). Unfortunately, Plenty of Freaks refuses to give me the messages I sent in reply. The replies were probably there for a bit, but I have been so focused this week on working with the rest of the amazing people who showed up to shield an American hero's family from those jackasses at the WBC, that I didn't bother to copy and paste this conversation until today.

From: j********8
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 1/17/2011 6:23:54 PM

mygod i finally found ya on this sh*tsite lol, i lost my phone and my contatcs hun, how u been and y havent u text me :( (Gee... 1. I didn't text you because you flat out said to me you HATE chicks with really short after I shaved my head. 2. You had a blackberry, and if you didn't sync it with your computer, you are fucking retarded. 3. It has been 7 months. I am not THAT hard to find so I call bullshit. Instead I kept it civil. I am firm believer in keeping myself under firm control in situations like this.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 1:55:48 PM

U SHOULD HAVE DATED ME :( U JUST STOPPED TALKING TO ME AND FIGURED U DIDNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH ME, AND IM SORRY U WENT THREW ALL THAT MESS, IVE BEEN DATEING SOME REAL WACKOES LATLY BUT NOTHING SERIOUS OR ANYTHING TO BRING HOME TO MOM, (Really. I should have dated you?!? Perhaps you should have mentioned that BEFORE you had insulted me. Actually, you told me you didn't WANT to date anyone and THEN treated me like shit because I shaved my head so I felt better about myself and stopped obsessively pulling my hair out. So fuck off and stop rose coloring everything between us. I saw you... twice, and I had a CHANCE to meet your parents and you chose to hustle me out of their house.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:06:48 PM

AWSOME, I STOPPED DRINKING AND GAVE UP CIGS 6 MONTHS AGO, U NEED MY BIG OLE****AGAIN LOL, THAT WILL MAKE U BETTER :) (At this point I'd told him I'd stopped drinking and stopped smoking, and was training for a half marathon. And I believe I had mentioned the holding pattern I was in with the Biker Boy. Oh... and I mentioned the fact that I am not a particular fan of being touched right about now.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:19:37 PM

O WOW, AND THAT SWEIRD, U USED TO LOVE WHEN I TOUCHD YA, BUT U DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN HUN, I UNDERSTAND :( (You're right, I don't have to explain. But I did try. I am unbelievably stressed and I've been through a lot recently. What I chose not to tell him was that I decided, after receiving the 10-page long totally nasty email from my former best friend, that I am just going to focus on myself, improving where I am physically, mentally & emotionally. And I also decided that I was going to get rid of my "drug of choice" which was focusing on my friends problems and completely fucked lives so I don't have to worry about fixing my own life.)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:42:52 PM

OK HUN, SORRY IF I BOTHERED U THEN (I made the mistake of trying to assure him that it was nothing to do with him, and that it had everything to do with the shit I was put through by that douche bag I dated from MD and generally was trying to get my life together. And THIS is what I received...)

From: j********8
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 1/18/2011 2:57:20 PM

JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GIRL I KNOW OR TALK TO, ITS COOL, I WONT BOTHER U ANYMORE I GET THE HINT (I chose NOT to reply, even though there was NOTHING I wanted more than to BLAST him for treating me like shit then expecting me to come RUNNING back when shit with south with whom ever it was that he was banging! Dude... Seriously. I really don't think that this would even be an issue. The only reason I put up with Biker Boy's bullshit for the past 6 months is because I was truly HAPPY when I was with him. I never felt self conscious, in fact, BB made me feel like I was the hottest girl he'd ever seen. My only issue with him is that I feel like I will never actually be his girlfriend, and honestly? I am going to concentrate on whatever it takes to make me happy. Right now, just being me, and doing my own thing makes me happy.)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"No matter where I stand... I'm alone"

(Sorry. TOTAL Manowar moment, anyhow...) I got this in a message (the ONLY thing in the message actually) onPlenty of Freaks. While dude gets mad creativity points, he loses all of them (and then some) to the fact he looks like a 70's era wanna be Burt Reynold's dressed up like a sort of scary suburban cowboy and due to the content of the poem (or what EVER the fuck this thing is!?!).

Let me take you hold your body in my arms
Kissing those tender lips long and deep
Can you Feel my passion rise
Let us make love all through the night
Quickly decide, we must not waste a minute of time
Deftly remove all my clothes
Slowly I begin to caress your soft skin
My fingertips start to wander
Feeling the softness of you
Those tender breasts draw my fingers to them
Touching and stroking them
Covering your body with kisses
Over the curve of the breasts
Slowly reaching the nipples peak
Sucking with greedy abandon
The heat of our bodies rapidly rising
Breathing starts to increase
Panting harder wanting you now
Your body inviting
Moulding itself into mine
Thighs parted anticipating
Requesting my body’s presence
Obligingly I settle between them
Connecting to you
So slowly at first bodies moving in time
Reaching deeper into the depths of passion
Increasing the rate of heated attack
Faster rapier like movements
Lust consuming us both
Animalistic instincts taking over
Both wanting our own pleasure
Minds blocked to all other thoughts
Oh the passion
Faster we ride our primeval lust
Peaking explosively together
Tasted the essence of passion
Screaming my name in orgasm
Your body bucks with mine
We are as one, engulfed in each other greyicewolf

And PLEASE allow me to note, since I hadn't actually bothered to read all of that until i was formatting the blog... That shit reads like a bad Romance NOVEL! Really... there is NOTHING romantic or sexy about that. Maybe if it was hand-written in a super romantic setting, MAYBE! By some strange guy on the creepiest dating site since Ashley Madison? Yeah... not so much!