Adventures In Dating: November 2011

The time has come to ask you 'have we met'?
We must have from the way you talk shit on the internet.
Saying things I never knew about myself.
Now I sense a destiny: your ass and my size 12.
I know that you're the guy to spread said lies.
I've seen it in Helvetica right before my eyes.
And I heard it from the east, west, north, and south.
Let's see how you talk shit with a steel toe in your mouth.
Run like a bitch.
So fun to play the righteous one, now you're paying for your sins.
Run like a bitch.
When I catch up with you I'm gonna bash your head right in.
I know you like to let the loose lips flap.
You gossip like a little girl who needs a big bitch-slap.
Saying things whether or not you know them true.
Now you're standing silent when I'm here in front of you.
You're dealing with a person, not a screen.
I'll 'double back slash' your throat and 'delete' your fucking spleen.
And your girlfriend better put away that mace,
Before I have the skinhead girls do a dance upon her face.
You're reaping every stitch the doctor sews.
You're earning yourself missing teeth and a badly broken nose.
'Cause you're the type of bitch-ass that I loathe.
I see you have 2 faces so I'm gonna break them both.
I hope you hold the lesson that you got.
You're better not to speak or type about what you know not.
And when you wake up sore in the morning,
Be sure to remind yourself this was just a warning.
(Hub City Stompers, Chatterbox)

I have been sitting on this blog for well over a month because it pissed me off SO badly, and I was debating whether I actually wanted to acknowledge this guys douche-baggery. And since I was telling my friend Rob (who I actually know from Plenty of Freaks) about this set of messages I figured the time had come to post them. you will notice one odd thing... I did not delete this guys name, and I am putting his profile out there. Why? because it amuses me. So here we go...

This is "Prince Charming's" profile:

nycareadude2005 : I'm the biggest prick you'll ever meet!!
City New York New York
Smoker? No
Sign Virgo
Ethnicity Caucasian with Brown hair
Height 6' 1" (185 cm)
Body Type Athletic
Age 40 year old Man
Religion Buddhist
Relationship N/A
Chemistry View his chemistry results

Send a Quick Message!
I am Seeking a Woman For Hang Out
Do you drink? Socially
Do you want children? Prefer Not To Say
Marital Status Single
Do you do drugs? No
Pets Other Eye
Color Brown
Profession Manager
Do you have children? No
Education Bachelors degree
Do you have a car? Yes

Relationship

Intent nycareadude2005 wants to date but nothing serious.

Relationship History The longest relationship nycareadude2005 has been in was over 3 years long.

Interests

Laughing at people when they trip over the curb

About Me
I'm disgusting, rude, mean, ugly, stupid, uneducated, unemployed, unmotivated, short, fat and bald with bad teeth. All in all, I'm a vomitous human being. I'm the role model for a dysfunctional life and I have absolutely no redeeming social qualities. If I had any friends, they would say that I'm a total ***hole. My mom, however, does say that I'm a great catch! I'm seeking a woman who is really, really stupid and has such low self esteem that she'll turn and look the other way when she catches me cheating on her. I love "drama" and I love to "play games". I also only wear "Ed Hardy" clothing.

I'm seeking a short-term relationship; about one night should be sufficient. Actually, I take that back - one night is too long. I'd like you to leave as soon as we're done getting busy. I will give you one of those phony hugs on your way out the door though to show that I'm not a complete ill-mannered heathen. Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about the women I've seen on here so far!

Ok ladies, if I read one more description where the woman mentions that she "looks great dressed up or dressed down", I think I'm going to pull my hair out of my head. Please, no more generic cliches, it really makes me nauseous. Here are a few more cliches I've seen on here. If you have any of these listed in your profile then rewrite it immediately and say something original.

1. "I'm on here because I'm tired of the bar scene" or "just too busy for regular dating" (translation: I'm on here because I'm desperate and lonely as hell and cry myself to sleep at night. We all know it's lame to be on this site, but there's no point in trying to make excuses for being here.)
2. "I have a great family and friends." (Honestly, you'd probably be a far more interesting person if you came from a broken home or were one of those feral children raised by wolves.)
3. "I have a really good sense of humor." (Whenever anyone says something like this they inevitably don't)
4. "I'm just like Samantha from "Sex in the City" (or any of the women in that awful show). (No comment necessary.)
5. "I work hard and I play hard." (Translation: I'm a bore and that's why I'm on here)
6. "I'm a huge (insert any NY sports team here) fan." Sounds more like you're just saying that because you think that's what guys want to hear. Trust me - we don't. Another cliche along the same lines is posting a picture of yourself outside Yankee Stadium in your Derek Jeter jersey.
7. Referencing "Sleepless in Seattle" in your profile anywhere should get you banned for life from all dating sites. This tired, beaten-up, lame, old cliche never seems to go away. Along the same lines referencing "When Harry Met Sally", "You've got mail" or any Jon Cusak movie should also get you banned.
8. The word "soulmate" appears in your profile. (Even worse if you spell it "solemate")
9. "I like long walks on the beach." (I've yet to see a profile without this one)
10. "I love going out but also like to stay home and cuddle to a good movie". (Yawn)
11. "I love to laugh." (Really? No way!!! That's so cool! That is very unusual and is a trait that separates you from the rest of humanity. Congratulations! No one has ever written that on here before!!!)
12. "I'm looking for someone to join me and explore all the wonderful things this city has to offer." (You might want to consider getting a tour guide instead of being on a dating site. There are lots of tour guides out of work right now who I'm sure would LOVE your business and you'd be helping the economy!)
13. "I think more like a guy." (Great! Then it should be very easy to get down your pants!)
14. "I'm looking for someone to grow old with." (Creepy!!! Ummm.. you're on an internet dating site. For now, why don't you just settle for a dude who will meet you for a quick drink rather than worry about 50 years from now.)
15. Your screen name here has the word "bella" in it.
16. You have a photo or photos with that ridiculous "puckered lips" pose. It's unbelievable to me that people take pictures where they try and look like a duck. (How did this horrible trend start and how do we stop it?)
17. "I'm looking for a guy who can show me that chivalry isn't dead." (It is dead. It died a long time ago. Maybe if you were born in England in the middle ages you could've been that "princess" looking for her "knight" or "prince" and live happily ever after in your castle, but for now you really need to wake up and see reality.)
18. Your profile is littered with "street talk". Examples are "holla back" or "don't get it twisted". (This type of slang is poisoning the language and spreading like a cancer. Those of us with an education and respect for the English language need to do all we can before it further deteriorates.)

More to come...

First Date
Burger King. But your limited to three items from the dollar menu only. (You're welcome of course to purchase any additional items for yourself.) After that we both get totally wasted, so wasted in fact that we call out the wrong names while we're getting it on. And then I sneak out and you never hear from me again!!!

Now, I am well aware that my profile on that site is something of a joke. I am really not interested in online dating, other than for people's entertainment by way of this blog. And I really do have to give this douche bag (who I will refer to as DB from here on out) credit for taking the "joke" dating profile to the extreme and outright mocking the stupidity on that site. However, DB ran afoul of my hair trigger with this:

(And you look like a pencil dicked, cocky, pathetic pussy who needs his momma to tell him how to live his life because he is too fucking retarded to figure it out on his own. I can wear a wig, slap on some make-up and tuck myself into a hot dress and look like more of a woman than you'd EVER be able to handle. You on the other hand, will forever be a pathetic emotionally stunted fucktard to tried to feel manly by mocking people who are better than you could ever DREAM to be.)

(Probably more than you EVER will. And I am on here as a joke!)

(I haven't watched that shit except when I am FORCED TO in about 7 years. And I am sure those trailer park white trash people have a better grasp on using this amazing thing called a space bar then this jackass does.)

(Wow... It must suck to be you every morning then.

(Hmmmmmm... I'm a loser, you are a 40-year old, illiterate douche bag who apparently doesn't fully READ people's profiles and that therefore makes you FAR more of a loser than I ever could be. Plus, this was all on a Saturday night. He is on his computer Saturday night, supposedly in NYC. I at least was at work. I wonder if he was catching up on Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives. They seem right up his alley as a whiny little m.)

(Ohhhhhhhhhhh.... you are SOOOOOOOOO creative. you said I smell like fish. I'm going to run home crying to my mommy. Bwah-hahahahahahaha! That is so middle school)

(If it wasn't for the fact I was tired of dealing with this troll ass mother fucker, my reply was going to be, "Yeah, I'm sure you've been giving bj's for 5 years. I'm also pretty sure you haven't had sex that you didn't have to pay for in at least twice that long.)

::shakes head:: Apparently there is this whole tactic to basically insult a girl to force her to defend herself to you (nope I didn't know it either until I read this Shmitten Kitten). Than GOD one of Ms. Kitten's commenters explained the entire rather twisted practice:

Hmmmmmmmmmmm... Guess that was why DB suddenly put in a normal conversation piece when I told him I was done. Too late... now his douche baggery is public knowledge.

Adventures In Dating

About Me

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Now I sense a destiny: your ass and my size 12. (ok... its a 9 but whatever)