I'm sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from... I thought that we were fine

I am a tough girl. I solve my own problems and I generally hold my own against the world. This apparently makes me a VERY difficult person to date because I don't NEED to date someone. I enjoy my independence and I could take or leave having someone in my life. You have to be a very SPECIAL (yes, this would be a volatile combination of short bus special, maniacally intelligence and a heretofore undiscovered level of CRAZY) sort of bastard and have a nice toasty spot in Hell with your name ALL OVER IT to put up with me. I am aware of this fact. In fact... I ENJOY the fact that I take a sick pleasure in mercurial relationships. If I scream at you and you scream back, we are good. If I scream at you and you CRY?!? Get out of my house and leave your Man-Card on the table on your way. There is a certain mental fortitude needed to date me (hell, You probably even need it to be my FRIEND!) and I pull no punches on my dating site profiles. I was told by a friend that I am a complete asshole on my OkStupid profile. She followed it up by saying it was "me". She was right. I am not going to hide behind a profile of baby bunnies, rainbows, and rose petals to get a guy when I am far more "pissed off cat - flying face pounce", metal and baseball bats.

Only not as cute...

Having said that... I have to admit, even after how ever many years of my writing this blog, every once in a while I manage to be shocked by some of the stuff which people write to me. Its not necessarily shocked an appalled and offended way, it is more of shocked in a "how the FUCK did you think I would find this attractive!?!" sort of way.

Message from M******8
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:18pm
Hi I'm Tom nice to meet you I'm 35 vegan and I teach Buddhism and I'm a full time cosmetology student at the moment. Anyways I want to say hello :-) btw best picture profile ever :) (Apparently, you are also 35 years old and cannot manage to FAKE proper punctuation. I do have to give you brownie points on the first non-creepy message I have received in a while. Unfortunately, I fear your veganism and my love of bacon are most likely incompatible.)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:22pm
Hi Tom, I'm Melissa. I'm 33, I eat paleo (meat and veggies, no soy or legumes), am an avid Crossfitter and I'm an administrative assistant at a construction company. And thank you very much. Its actually from the Crossfit Christmas party.


Message from M******8
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:24pm
I meant all the pictures very cool and it's ok if u eat meat (I'm so pleased I have your permission to eat meat. I was awaiting THAT royal edict with bated fucking breath) but I lov that u eat veg. ;) (May I note, I am extremely depressed that your grasp of punctuation appears to be limited to smiley faces)

Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:28pm
Thank you very much. Lol. Actually one of the things I couldn't abide about the last guy I was seeing was his hatred of vegetables. I just couldn't understand it.


Message from M******8
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:32pm
Heehee well u will fall 4 me then (That is doubtful, but keep thinking that if it helps you sleep at night.) lol. I'm starting the gym may 1 so I also look like a vegan meaning I need 2 lose some weight (I completely fail to quantify how the FUCK there are FAT VEGANS! I live on meat - ok, BACON! and vegetables and I am by no way fat. You live on ALL VEGETABLES and you are fat. Please.... someone... EXPLAIN THIS!?! I know vegans who look like they live on McDonald's and Burger King. You do paleo and you drop weight even if you aren't trying!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 28, 2013 – 5:47pm
Lol. I've never understood the heavy vegan thing, but since I've never tried it I am probably missing something. I guess its the quantity of food you'd consume? I lost 45 lbs when I switched to paleo, and I eat constantly.


Message from M******8 Apr 28, 2013 – 11:31pm
Oh wow very cool... At the beginning of May I start going to the gym I can't wait :-) (If you are fat NOW why wait?!? And yes... he is fat. It is not magically going to change until you make a goddamn EFFORT!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 29, 2013 – 9:50am
What type of gym are you going to?


Message from M******8
Apr 29, 2013 – 11:43am
Planet Fitness on rt 38 bc its the cheapest and it's open 24 hours and I can go before school (If it is 24-hours, you can go when every you want... Like starting NOW!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 29, 2013 – 3:11pm
Oh that's cool! There are only 4 classes a day at my box which can suck but one fits perfectly after work so I just go then. It ends up being 5-6 days a week there and my box in blackwood, and 3 days a week running in the morning.


Message from M******8
Apr 29, 2013 – 3:12pm
Wow u kick ass.....I use to live in Pine hill


Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 29, 2013 – 3:17pm
I am running tough Mudder in June. My end goad is to do it in less than 3.5 (preferably less than 3) hours, including obstacles and convincing myself electrocution won't hurt.


Message from M******8
Apr 30, 2013 – 6:50am
Well I guess that means I will have to give you a massage after you complete the race (Thanks... I think I'm good. I am in good enough physical condition that I should be ok with 2 aleeve and a beer. Not to mention, I don't think I REALLY want you touching me. See... I have these issues with people who annoy me touching me) lol I plan on getting a massage license as well.

(Please bear in mind, I have to read these messages MULTIPLE TIMES because I am attempting to mentally punctuate them.)

Message from Mel_Cubed
Apr 30, 2013 – 8:06am
It is quite possible...


Message from M******8
Apr 30, 2013 – 6:32pm
Lol well I can't do that because you fall in love with me (I am pretty sure, given my level of revulsion at the idea of you massaging me, you are completely safe from me falling in love with you) heehee ;)


Message from Mel_Cubed
May 1, 2013 – 7:30am
Lol. I haven't fallen in love with the little Chinese woman I go to every once in a while, so you may be in luck. Hahaha.


Message from M******8
May 1, 2013 – 7:34am
Well you have not met me yet and I will say I have the softest hands you have ever felt on a man and a woman not even kidding lol my last relationship was with a woman that was a lesbian and she told me making love to me was like being with a woman because I took my time and I was passionate and sensual and my hands felt like a woman. I did not know if I should take that as a compliment or if I should question my sexuality lol (1. I think you are going to beauty school because you are too STUPID to comprehend punctuation, which is a serious insult to all the incredibly intelligent beauticians I know. 2. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!! 3. If you aren't sure if you should question your sexuality, perhaps you should. 4. If I don't have a woman's hands I sure as HELL don't want the guy I am with to have them!)


Message from Mel_Cubed
May 1, 2013 – 8:54pm
Lol. That makes me feel bad. My hands are completely tore up from Crossfit. They will never be pretty and soft again.


Message from M******8
May 2, 2013 – 4:10pm
It's ok one of us has 2 be the chick lol  (Yes, you are correct. One of us has to be the chick and it will be the FEMALE in the relationship. I don't particularly want to come home from work early one day and find you parading around my house in one of my ballgowns! I've been in one of those types of relationships. They suck.)


Message from M******8
May 10, 2013 – 6:31am
Hello again I think u have forgotten about me :(  (No dear. I didn't forget. I was ignoring you so I didn't end up saying anything nasty about my lack of interest in dating a girl with a dick.)

*sigh* While this shit is blog gold... It really makes me want to scream and RUN.