SERIOUSLY!?! You were doing SO well...

It has been a while hasn't it, my darlings? Amazingly, for the past 8 months I have had a minimum of "WTF?!?" provoking messages. Well, I have had a few but they were SO amazingly bad that I didn't think you would believe they were real. And then I got this yesterday from a white "rapper" in Lancaster Co...

o****9
11/18/2012 6:24:48 PM
You seem like a lovely girl. I hope we can talk and become much closer. (ok, I am willing to give this guy a chance upon initially glancing at his profile. It seems to be fairly well written and actually has proper punctuation. Physically, he is NO WHERE close to my ideal but considering my ideal hasn't gotten me very far in the past few years of dating so maybe I will try something different.)

-Gus
 
Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 6:34:02 PM
Hi Gus, I'm Melissa. It's nice to meet you.

 o****9
11/18/2012 6:35:03 PM
Nice to meet you too, Melissa. Your first name is the Greek word for "bee". So, are you seeing anyone...

 Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 6:36:27 PM
Lol. Not just any bee. Honey bee. It's also part of the Latin name for lemon balm. Not at the moment.

(By this time i have actually read his profile and was cracking up:
Big Steelers fan? Awesome! Don't contact me. Mouth-breathers who have no sense of self are too stupid to attract a man without sacrificing their femininity and rationalize this behavior with the most basic, caveman level of logic. "If me act like him, maybe him will like me". It's ridiculous that most of the profiles I read look like they were made by teenage boys. "This is my fav football team and this is my fav baseball team". I'm sure those things are really going to help a guy figure out if he should be dating you. Because, ya know, liking the same hockey player or liking the same beer is totally going to help you love each other more and lie to each other less. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HAVE IN COMMON! Oh yeah, and don't tell me about how attractive you are. Try to refrain from calling yourself hot, sexy, etc. If you need an explanation for that one, you are conceited and I am not interested.
I do think I am hot, and I MOST DEFINITELY have times when I talk about how attractive I am. I have busted my ass for the past 7 months doing CF and I am proud of how I look. And I do love football. Not because it makes me more attractive to a guy, because I ACTUALLY LIKE WATCHING FOOTBALL!)
 
o****9
11/18/2012 6:37:45 PM
Interesting. Beautiful, I too am completely single. It's hard to get to know someone through words on a screen my little honey bee. Maybe we should have a real conversation on the phone. (Good try slick. I am not giving you my phone number 13 minutes after you initially message me. I don't like talking to my FRIENDS on the phone, why would I want to talk to you when I know NOTHING about you.)

Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 7:01:15 PM
At the moment I'm keeping a friend company on his transit shifts and none of the plugs in the cab work, so my phone is going to die really soon. :-(

o****9
11/18/2012 7:25:58 PM
I see! Ok well, maybe some other time then 7** 3** ****

o****9
11/18/2012 8:05:31 PM
Fitness is clearly important to you. All my pics are recent. Would you find me less attractive if I said I have a belly? (Did you REALLY think I missed that in your pictures? No. I already realize you are heavy. I had decided you probably had some sort of redeeming quality to you that negated any qualms about your lack of fitness and I would give you a chance. Now I am regretting not telling you to pis off initially, because you are apparently not self-confident enough for me.)

Hooli-Gin
11/18/2012 8:58:25 PM
I realize most people aren't as hardcore as I am about fitness.

And so the conversation ends in a fiery crash and burn...